Words on paper might be one of the most potent creations. The words that you are reading currently are steering your brain in certain directions, guiding, leading, yanking you into thoughts and emotions that I want you to feel. The reason for that? These words have meaning. Each one meant to depict and explain a thought or emotion that I want you to process. The words stand for something. These words are quite actually dropping my thoughts directly into your brain. That creates something sacred. It takes trust for you to read these words. You trust me to a degree to know that what I am saying is true to what is going on in my heart. In my head. If I lie and mislead you? That is an egregious broach of intimacy.
I heard intimacy describes this way once, “into-me-see”
That’s scary for many. That’s terrifying for me. “Into-me-see”
Because who wants to see that? Who wants to be around that? The depth of me? That’s embarrassing. That’s vulnerable. That’s guilty. Shame lives there. Regret lives there. Dark nights live there. Tears live there. Pain lives there.
And if you saw into me for what I think I’m worth and made of, then would you really want to stick around? And if I saw into you, would you run? Would you break down? Would you have the courage to speak to me ever again?
We can’t stand people growing close or seeing us because we don’t like being close or seeing ourselves. It’s ironic really! Our own displeasure with ourselves drives us to seek affirmation and approval from others. The hilarious part is they are doing the exact same thing! And we wonder why marriages fall apart. We wonder why friendships crumble. We wonder why we find ourselves deep into a relationship with someone only to find out they were putting on a front. Because if we were honest with our identity and our intimacy that would be painful. That would hurt. And we don’t like pain.
We associate pain with bad. Because when we were little and something hurt, we didn’t want to do that again because our bodies are hardwired to keep us alive. And then as we grow older we then are faced with the issue of facing pain on a daily basis. Maybe we don’t live up to our own expectations. Maybe we broke our own hearts. Maybe we blew up our own lives. And I think that’s one of the hardest things to deal with. Ourselves.
But that’s why we don’t find our identity in ourselves. Maybe that’s why it isn’t possible to identify ourselves by ourselves. But instead, we find that intimacy with one another and with ourselves is found in by whom we are loved. Because there was this man. There was this: Son of Man. This Son of Man saw into me when I couldn’t see into myself. See this Son of Man would look at me, into the worst, darkest, most painful parts of me; and he would say, that one. That’s the one for me. That’s the one worth crawling up a hill for, worth spreading myself out on a cross for. See this Son of Man looks at us with all the intimacy possible, and he smiles. He goes: on this one I did good. Oh this one is amazing. This one is worth it, this one is enough.
Identity and intimacy are so tightly woven that without one the other fights to stand. Our intimacy with our Creator was corrupted, and it corrupted the intimacy with ourselves and each other. Maybe that’s the point of all this. This life is meant to deepen and repair the intimacy with the One who knows us best; someone that knows us better than we know ourselves.
There are truths about ourselves that we will not escape. Nor should we. We should not neglect or forget our past. We should not pretend like the worst parts of us do not exist. By pushing them to the side and ignoring them, we essentially have let them dominate our mind and thought process to the point where we will do whatever it takes to cope with the weight of them. But instead, we should look to the Cross as an example. We instead should readily accept these things as truths, but reject the notion that we are the sum of our mistakes. Instead we should begin to process through the idea that our identity is found in what has been done for us. Grace. We have been shown mercy and grace. And because of that, what we are owed: guilt and shame and a loss of intimacy are satisfied. See these truths about us leave holes. And scars. And that’s what we have done. We did that to ourselves. But by the sheer existence of grace, of receiving what we do not deserve, we should be incapable of remaining in the same bondage and loss of intimacy and identity that we find ourselves chained in. Grace sets us free, mercy tells us we are loved, and in this freedom we find who we are. We find out identity. In this then; it would be fair to state, that as we accept grace and mercy: we must forgive ourselves.
Because by accepting grace and mercy, we let God and others and ourselves into-me-see.
