So for most of my time in Peru I’ve been wrestling with the Lord about what it means to be worthy of receiving from the Lord. It’s kind of been a hard concept for me to fully grasp because I’m unsure as to whether I fully believe it or not. On one hand, I know and understand that I am a new creation and that Christ lives in me, thus making me worthy. With that in mind I can feel worthy of receiving from the Lord. But then I think of how I used to be dead in my sins and how it’s only by God’s grace that I’m adopted as His son and therefore anything I receive from Him is by His grace, meaning I’m unworthy of it. Even John the Baptist says that he’s unworthy to even untie the straps of Jesus’ sandals. So if I am unworthy of God’s salvation and of Jesus living inside me, then how can I ever be worthy of receiving from the Lord? Isn’t everything by His grace?
I started wrestling with this issue after a conversation I had with one of my squadmates. We were talking about our times in Ecuador and what God revealed to us during that month. I ended up sharing her my experience in Quito when the two women spoke over me and prayed for me (more detail on that in an earlier blog). It was cool sharing with her because on our arrival into Ecuador we had talked about me wanting to grow in experiencing the Lord in the supernatural. During my sharing, I was explaining to her how I was trying to keep a humble mindset during the time they were speaking over me. I was reminding myself that I was a sinner and had done nothing to deserve what was being prayed over me. I thought it was a good mindset to have as it would prevent me from becoming prideful, but then she stopped me and asked me a question.
“Wait, but you do know you are worthy right?”
I immediately gave a sheepish smile because the past couple of months God had really been growing me in my understanding of what it means being a son of God and having His authority, but I still had a hard time considering myself worthy because of all the many ways I fall short of God’s glory. I explained to her my thought process and then we had to go to our squad meeting. That evening was really cool because the talk that one of my squadmates gave was about what it means to be worthy! It’s so cool to me to see how God orchestrates everything to line up at just the right time that I need it. During his talk he asked us three questions that he wanted us to process through.
1. What do I think of myself? Do I consider myself worthy of receiving from the Lord?
2. How does the Lord view me? What’s my identity in Him?
3. What do I need healing from? What lies/doubts do I live in?
I wrestled with these questions for the following couple days and talked with various people to see what their thoughts were on it. One of my brothers (and also co-logistics leader) reminded me that ultimately we walk by faith and not by sight. It was such a good reminder because too often I try to understand everything of the ways of the Lord that I forget it’s a walk of faith. Not that it’s wrong to desire and pursue understanding but I have to remember that God’s ways are higher than my ways and His foolishness greater than my wisdom. So regardless of whether I can fully understand how I am worthy, it’s something I can still walk in by faith.
But by God’s grace, He ended up easing my mind a lot by speaking through one of my squad leaders. We were having a men’s time and just sharing and being vulnerable about where we were at recently. I told the group about what I was wrestling with and we proceeded to discuss it for a while. Then my squad leader said some words and the ones that really stuck with me were…
“We are all unworthy of God’s grace; but because of God’s grace, we are made worthy.”
There’s no denying that I’m unworthy of God’s grace; it wouldn’t be grace anymore if I were. But despite my unworthiness, He still graced me and adopted me as His son and because of that, I’m made worthy. His grace has covered my unworthiness. So even though I may still sin (which makes me unworthy), because of His grace I’m still considered worthy because of what Christ did for me on the cross.
It reminds me of a vision that I had from the Lord the night the two women spoke over me. There was a neon green cross (although I’m not sure if the color matters yet) and starting from the top it proceeded to rip in half. It reminded me of the veil that covered the entrance to the Most Holy Place in the temple and how it ripped in half from top to bottom the moment Jesus died. The veil separated people from entering the presence of the Lord. Only the high priest could enter the Most Holy Place and that only once a year and not until numerous sacrifices were made. It’s a serious issue to enter the presence of the Holy Lord. But because of the blood of Christ I can have the confidence to enter the Most Holy Place (His presence) because I have been made worthy. My heart has been cleansed from a guilty conscience and my body washed with pure water so I can draw near to God with a sincere heart and with the full assurance that faith brings (Hebrews 10:19-21).
I’m grateful for the journey the Lord has been taking me on this last week and a half. I feel like I’ve come to a better understanding of my identity in Christ and how much Christ’s grace covers me. I still am just beginning to walk in this understanding so there’s a lot that I’m still processing, but God’s brought me to a place where I can confidently say that I am worthy of receiving from the Lord. In fact, that’s the name I chose for myself a couple days ago when my team’s contact that we were doing ministry with told us to pick a name related to what God’s been growing us in recently. I can’t think of anything that’s been more on my mind; I have been made worthy by the blood of Christ to enter His Presence and receive His blessings. So that’s the name I chose for myself. My name is…Worthy.
