So this past week my squad had debrief in Brasov, Romania. Debrief is a time where we get to recharge after a couple month’s worth of ministry and to reminisce on what God has done recently. One of the things this past debrief really showed me was how much my inclinations influence my walk with the Lord.
One of the biggest themes of my Race has been being open to what God is doing in and around me and being willing to take risks and step into uncomfortable situations where I need to rely on the Lord. God has been putting me in those situations throughout the Race and it’s been really cool to see how He shows up during those times. And now, those situations that once seemed so nerve-wracking are now situations where I have confidence and allow God to use me. I’m becoming bolder in sharing my testimony or giving a word at churches, more confident in recognizing God’s voice, and more willing to share what God is placing on my heart to my teammates. But God’s been showing me that so often I don’t choose to be used by Him because of insecurities of myself, fear of other people, and sometimes simply lack of desire. This was evident during one of the squad meetings at debrief.
We were doing one of our evening squad worship sessions. Normally there is singing in the beginning and then one of the leaders gives a talk. As we were worshipping and inviting the Spirit’s presence the Lord gave me a vision: just an empty chair standing before an open doorway filled with a blinding light, but still able to be looked into unhindered by the brightness. It was a simple vision, but it reminded me that I need to quit worrying about things or events in my life or quit focusing on what I can do for the Lord and just bask in His glory and sit in His presence. And He wanted me to remind the squad of that as we were all anticipating team changes that were going to take place in a couple days. But one of my fears is being open with my squad about what God is revealing to me because I so often believe that how God uses me doesn’t compare to how He uses my squadmates; so I remained silent and kept it to myself.
But God had different things in mind. The talk for the night that one of our squad leaders gave was about God’s will playing out in our lives and how so often God wants us to say yes to the things He’s placed before us now before He leads us into the “greater” things that He has in store. It’s amazing how God orchestrates everything in its proper timing because this is exactly what I needed to hear at that moment. So often I dream of these great and awesome things that God can do through me and how I would say “yes” to them, but completely overlook the simpler, less-exceptional things that I’m saying “no” to now. And this couldn’t have applied to me more.
For a while now I’ve been wishing that the Lord would grant me more visions and pictures of what He wants to teach me. It seems like some of my teammates are constantly getting visions from the Lord and although I know God speaks to me in unique ways, sometimes I really wish He would speak to me more in those kinds of ways. That’s a separate issue that I could go into, but I’ll just let it be. Sometimes I just want to see the Lord in more tangible ways. But so often, I get too focused on these “awesome” moments where the Lord really reveals Himself that I fail to notice the things that He’s speaking to me now. And then to add to the irony of it all, when He actually does give me a vision, I still don’t act on it because it’s too simple or not as “impactful” as I would like it to be. Because that was a big reason why I didn’t share my vision with the squad in the first place; I thought it wouldn’t be “cool” enough or “meaningful” enough to my squadmates. But during Kelly’s talk, the Lord convicted me and then provided me another opportunity to share. And this time I took the opportunity because I want to experience the “greater” things that the Lord has for me and if I’m not willing to say “yes’ in the here and now, I won’t have an opportunity to say “yes” to the “greater” things that lie ahead. And yeah, it doesn’t really matter if what I had to say was important or impactful or not; what matters is that I’m responding to what the Lord is placing in front of me and that I’m continuously submitting to His will regardless of my inclination towards it.
And the cool things is, is that God used my vision to really encourage some of my squadmates. I had some people come up to me after the session and share how much my vision reminded them and encouraged them. Now yes, I didn’t share because I wanted people to come up and thank me afterwards; I did it because I want to follow God where He is leading me. But it is nice to know that the places He is leading me into are impacting people. And I pray that as I go into Month 5, I will continue to say “yes” to God in all things, regardless of how simple they may seem. Because a lot of the times the simple things, are the most impactful.
