Intimacy with the Lord has been kind of a roller coaster for me so far on the Race. There are moments where I feel super connected and close with the Lord and then there will be times where God just seems so far away. I know that my Christian walk won’t be just one long, continuous mountaintop experience, but I do think there should be some more stability in my intimacy with the Lord. I mean, His Spirit dwells within me…there should always be a sense of closeness with Him. But so often I go through phases where He just seems distant and not active in my life and not speaking to me. I’m just beginning to walk out of one of those phases.
This past month in Ukraine was very stale as far as my relationship with the Lord. It sucks to go through months like that. When I first signed up for the Race, I wasn’t expecting to go through months like that…I was always going to feel close to the Lord and I was constantly going to be growing in my intimacy with Him. But one of the things that has become really clear since being on the Race is that the Race is a lot like “real” life. In fact…that’s exactly what it is! And just like there are times in “real” life where I don’t feel close with the Lord, there are times on my Race where I haven’t been intimate with God. I can’t really explain why I go through times like that, but God revealed to me some things as I’ve walked out of this most recent time.
God revealed that I have such a small view of the foundational aspects of my faith. It starts with a small view of who God is. I so often forget just how glorious and almighty and majestic and infinite and holy God actually is!! I can so easily come to a place of casualness with God. He is my Father and He is my friend and I want to be comfortable and confident when I approach Him, but I think I can almost become too comfortable with Him that I forget just who He actually is and just the amount of grace that’s been given to me for me to even be able to stand in His Presence.
This small view of the nature and character of God leads to a small view of just how ugly and deadly and belittling my sin is to God. Yes, I know sin is this bad thing that God doesn’t like and I shouldn’t like either, but there’s so much more to it than just that. Sin goes completely against who God is and it grieves Him immensely when we choose sin over Himself. But if I don’t have an accurate view of who God is, how can I understand the depravity of sin? There are two responses that God has towards sin: the cross and hell. The cross is the means through which sinful human beings, like myself, can be free from the penalty of sin because of Jesus shedding His own blood for my sins. Hell is the culmination of what sin leads to apart from the saving blood of Jesus Christ. Both responses are extreme. Both end in death. Sin is serious to God; it should be for me as well.
This small view of sin leads to a small view/understanding of the cross of Christ and all that it means for me. I can’t fully appreciate the work that Christ did for me on the cross, if I don’t fully understand the punishment I deserve because of my sins. I am limited in my knowledge and experience of the depths of God’s love for me. And because of this, my love and desire for God is small. I can only love and desire God to the extent that I know how much He loves and desires me. As it says in the Bible,
“We loved because He first loved us.” 1 John 4:19
This doesn’t just mean the existence of love isn’t there apart from His love, but also the depths of my love for God is a result of the depths of my understanding as to the love God has for me. I pray that God will continue to expand my view in all these things so that I can stay in intimacy with Him regardless of situations that I’m walking through.
