I’ve been a Christian for most of my life. I accepted Him into my life when I was about 7 or 8 and recommitted my life to Him in my freshman year of college. Throughout the years, God has continuously grown me and strengthened my faith. But because a relationship with God is built around faith, there are naturally questions that I still wrestle with. The one that has probably challenged me the most throughout my life is the issue of God being enough for me. Can God satisfy me enough to the point where nothing in this world can compare to Him?
This question has come up a lot this month here in Thailand. Let me first preface this by saying that I by no means have a complete answer to this question. I know what I want to believe; I want to believe that God is all satisfying and that He will supply my every need. I want my heart to echo what the Psalmist says in Psalm 73…
“Whom have I in heaven but you? And earth has nothing I desire besides you.” Ps. 73:25
But my heart so often has a problem fully trusting that. It’s the reason why, I believe, I sin so often. I elevate things above God and put it in the place of Him or in addition to Him because I don’t always believe that He can solely bring the joy and satisfaction that I desire in life. (Sometimes I wonder if therein lies my problem…focusing too much on obtaining satisfaction in life. Will need to process that one more before I write about it.)
This question has been brought up a lot this month because of my daily struggle with sexual lust recently. I don’t mean to imply that this is a new struggle for me because it’s been a battle of mine for almost a decade now. (That’s humbling to think about.) But what used to be an everyday battle has now turned to a seasonal struggle. I’m always at war with it (or should be at least), but there are seasons where it’s easy and seasons where it is immensely hard to maintain purity. I’m currently in such a season.
And the thing is…I don’t want to go through those seasons anymore! I’m tired of the constant bombardment of impure thoughts that enter my mind. I’m tired of battling the lies that God can’t satisfy me in the way my sexual lust can or that the eternal satisfaction He offers is not worth comparing to the temporary satisfaction that sexual lust offers. I mean, that’s why I give in to those sins. Even despite the knowledge that walking that road will only lead to dissatisfaction (because temporary satisfaction is just that…temporary), I still continuously return to it because having that small taste of gratification is worth plowing through the dissatisfaction and guilt because it’s not worth comparing to the joy found in Christ. (Sorry that sentence is confusing, but I don’t know how else to put it into words.)
And what’s even more frustrating is I don’t know how to fight against those lies. I’ve tried numerous things over the years to find a consistent way to overcome this struggle. When I try to focus on the cross and remind myself of the gospel, that message doesn’t hit home to me like it should and doesn’t appeal to me enough to not give into my desires. (That’s very sobering to think that the cross just doesn’t seem all that worth it to me. God help me.) I’ve also tried distracting myself and thinking of other things that bring me joy, but those are short-lived and I find myself back at square one. And just thinking of not sinning never works because I’m still ultimately focused on sin and well, I found that what I’m focused on is most often what I’ll act on.
So I’m just kind of at this place of helplessness now. I know that’s actually a really good thing because it forces me to completely depend on the Lord. But then again, I’ve been at these places of helplessness before and God still doesn’t seem to show up in the way I want Him to. I mean, why doesn’t He just make the cross so overwhelmingly beautiful to me so that living for Him will be all the more satisfying?
Because ultimately, as for most things, my small view of the cross is the reason, I believe, that I struggle with finding Jesus as enough and all satisfying. The gospel doesn’t capture me as it should. My sin isn’t as wicked to me as it should be and therefore the cross and Christ’s love for me isn’t as glorious and satisfying to me as it should be. But how I can move out of that place is a mystery to me.
I know only God can save me and free me from this struggle. It frustrates me that these are questions that I’ve been wrestling with for years now, but I’m comforted with the knowledge that Christ can sympathize with my weakness because He himself was subject to weakness. (Heb. 2:17-18) He knows my struggles and I know He will bring about His good purposes through all of this.
Please pray for a bigger and deeper understanding of the gospel. Pray that God will be enough for me even when I may not feel or think that He is. Thanks for all your support!!
