I can’t sing and I really want to be able to. I wish I had a different laugh. I wish my teeth were more white and straight. I wish my hair was different. I think that I am annoying. I wish I was less forgetful. I hate how I over analyze everything people say to me. I’m 10-15 pounds under weight and super insecure about how skinny I am. I struggle severely with depression and I have random anxiety attacks. I’m not always the best person at sharing my feelings. I’m not the ideal blogger.
I have so many flaws, so many things I can find wrong in myself. Sometimes I think about them for hours at a time.
I’m convinced everyone else sees these flaws and then I become insanely insecure. It affects my mood and makes me think that all of the people who love me actually despise me. I project the feelings I have about myself onto them and tell myself that this is how they feel towards me.
Lately this has been causing me to become distant from people on my team. I go through spells where I will lay around during my free time and feel sorry for myself. It brings pain to me and makes me feel like my stomach is in my throat.
I always post about how awesome ministry is and talk about all the positive things in my life overseas. I talk about how we are impacting the community and other peoples lives but I feel like if I leave out the hard times then my blogs are just meaningless words and a waste of time.
Don’t get me wrong, we are going out every single day and pouring into others. We spend our time going to feedings and hanging out with kids in the community. But my life isn’t any easier because I am on a mission trip.
All of my problems didn’t disappear when I left America and I still have struggles and flaws just like everyone else. Lately these struggles have become such a hinderance to me that I decided I needed to take action against them.
I went around my team and asked them all their honest opinions of me. When they think about me what is the first thing that comes to mind? They told me so many nice things. They even told me the opposite of some of my negative views of myself.
They said things like that they loved to joke around with me and that they loved my laugh. They think I am a funny person and they love my input and opinions on things. I was called a dear friend and an immense joy to be around. I was called genuine and caring. They said I was truthful and willing to do the hard things when it comes down to it. The list goes on and on. People can find nice things to say about me so easily but why can’t I?
When I think about myself I don’t think about these things. It’s almost impossible for me to believe them when I hear them. Sometimes I write off these compliments and say that they are just lies. Deep down I know these people mean what they say to me though. I have seen them love me not only with their words but with their actions. They aren’t the only ones with opinions about me though.
God tells me that I am chosen. He has adopted me into his family and he calls me his child. He tells me I’m loved. He looks at me and sees beauty. He sees me through a lens that ignores my sins and flaws. This lens was forged in Christ’s death and resurrection and I couldn’t be more grateful for it.
When I view myself in the eyes of the one who created me my insecurities begin to vanish. When my friends who love me tell me what they see in me and I believe it I gain confidence. Everybody is their worst critic and it’s so easy to write off what your loved ones and God tell you but they can see you better than you can see yourself.
I’m done letting the lies of this world ruin me. I won’t allow depression to run my life anymore. To anyone who struggles with insecurities or depression; you are so much more than you think you are. You don’t need the world to love you, you need to love you.
I love myself when I see how much I mean to the God of the universe. It’s so easy to forget he loves us because we hear it all the time but he really does and it’s not a love that’s fathomable.
I will struggle with depression for time to come. My war with it is not over but I have won a battle.
