How often do you feel justified in what you do? When something goes wrong, how easy is it to shift blame to others? When something happens, how quickly do you convince yourself that the way you reacted was the right way?
Confession: More often than not, I’m living “in the box.”
Nick, what the heck are you talking about? Well, I recently read Leadership and Self-Deception by The Arbinger Institute. They discuss how leadership, and life in general, is skewed because we are all living in a box. What box? The box of self-deception and self-betrayal. There are so many times when our initial thought it good, but then our mind convinces us otherwise. It sounds simple, but it creates major problems.
For example, I’m sitting in our wonderful living room and see a couple of coffee cups left on a table. My initial thought may be to pick them up and wash them because I want to do their owners a favor. However, the longer I sit there and don’t act, the more I convince myself that I don’t need to do that, and for “good” reasons. I mean, isn’t it their job? And if they didn’t do it, it means they are lazy and don’t care about others. Plus, I always do my dishes, so why do I have to do others?
Do you see how quickly a nice intention becomes me blowing myself up while belittling others? That is living in the box. Thankfully, there is a way to get out of the box. And that way is honor.
It’s funny how our squad leader suggested this book to us after talking about honor for the last four months. It all makes sense. Honor is so easy to do when you are out of the box, but when you are “in the box,” you feel the need to justify yourself. When you’re in the box, you’ll feel burdened by seeking to help the needs of others because you are trying to create some virtue in yourself. It becomes exponentially easier to honor others when you are out of the box.
Now I know that this “in the box” versus “out of the box” analogy sounds confusing, so I would encourage you to read the book. Yes, it focuses on improving a business through this strategy, but trust me, it’s more than beneficial for personal relationships.
I’ve learned this year that life is much better out of the box. Yes, I can try and argue or justify my way out of being nice to others or honoring them, but it’s not worth it. In your mind, you’ll be 100% correct, but when you take a step back and actually think about the implications of what is going through your head, you’ll realize how skewed your mindset really is.
I can choose to live in the box this year, and get frustrated with teammates, squadmates, ministry contacts, bus drivers, etc. Or I can daily work on getting out of the box and work to honor others. When you do this, you will shed so many lies about yourself and others. And it feels so good.
I think a great first step is to stop thinking about people as objects and start thinking about them as people. People with hopes, dreams, weaknesses, strengths, stories, families, insecurities, and issues just like you. Be honest with yourself: how many people in your life do you treat as objects and how many do you treat as people?
I know when I first thought about all this, the real title of this blog applied to me. Thanks to the grace of God, that can change.
