I just had a breakdown.
I don’t like admitting it, but I balled alone in my room for 20 minutes.
Uncontrollable sobs, snot and tears running down my face.
The whole 9 yards.
And it doesn’t help that I still have an ear infection so it feels like I’m crying with earplugs in.
Now I need to pick up the pieces and figure out what this was all about. I’m not going to lie, I kind of saw this coming today.
I may or may not have teared up while watching the USC game from Saturday because A) my parents are AWESOME and figured out a way for me to watch it and B) it was Trojan football, and nothing screams home to me like Trojan football.
Oh, and we won. Fight on Trojans! Beat the utes! (I’m looking at you, Sam)
So fast forward 6 hours of me sitting in my room not doing much. I’m responding to emails and come across my good friend Jared’s newsletter and testimony from the middle east. Now I can’t tell you what it said because of security reasons, but his testimony is too legit to quit. It has God’s hand all over it and you see Him continually trust Him instead of trust in his own commonsense. It’s stories like this that prove how awesome my friends from home are. And it was this that got the tear ducts warming up again.
As I’m sitting here trying to hold back tears, I’m listening to worship music and “To Know His Name” by Hillsong comes on, and that just does it for me.
Look at the chorus:
I know you gave the world your only son for us
To know your name
To live within the savior’s love
And you took my place knowing He’d be crucified
And you love, you love a people undeserving.
Why did it take me 2 months into the World Race to realize this simple, yet powerful truth? Honestly, it was probably my selfishness, my pride, my individual spirit, and my attitude that I can do it all myself. I have been extremely blessed my entire life, and more often than not, I though I deserved it.
But I don’t.
I don’t deserve any of it.
I don’t deserve loving parents,
great friends,
great community,
great education,
a year to travel serving the Lord,
fantastic teammates who have taken great care of me this week,
or my own room in a hostel where I could whither away.
That’s what grace and love is all about. God loves us so much that He sent his only son to die for us so WE could live within a Savior’s love. So that YOU and I could have intimate relationship with the Lord of the Universe. That is so great. It’s amazing I don’t cry about this everyday, because I probably should.
My prayer is that you and I will daily be reminded of this and praise God for his grace and love. Because His love wins, and I hope that it doesn’t take me 5 days of being sick in a foreign country to realize this again.
Speaking of Love Wins, I just read Rob Bell’s controversial bestseller Love Wins, and definitely have some thoughts on it. He has some decent points and some very skewed points. (Also why I wrote in the style I did today. If you've read Rob Bell you know what I'm talking about)
Also, prayer for healing for my squadmates and I is always appreciated! God Bless!
