Life at home has been a lot of trusting God.
I’ve had to lay down false expectations. I’ve had to give up trying to do things by myself. I’ve had to open my eyes and see that God has plans for me right where I am.
Coming home from my trip, I wasn’t planning on staying in my hometown, Morris, for long. I didn’t know what I was going to be doing, but I was ready to leave and follow God to something bigger.
I had all sorts of ideas and expectations: Maybe more missions, maybe something with art or writing, or maybe even something I’d never considered before.
Where You go, God, I’ll go. Let’s do this. That what my mindset.
I was excited to see where God was taking me. I was expecting Him to show me something amazing.
And so were a lot of other people.
At first the questions didn’t bother me. It’s natural for people to ask you what’s next when you’ve finished an incredible journey. In their shoes, I would ask the same question.
But… it’s hard to answer when you don’t know. All I could really say was that I was waiting on God. And I was.
A couple of weeks at home and I was ready to travel again. I missed missions. I missed community. I missed the sense that I was doing something good and meaningful with my life. I had an ache in me. I just wanted to get up and go. I just wanted to go and do something good and better with my life than sitting at home.
I still had no clear idea what was next. I started looking into other mission trips.
The thing is, I knew that if I signed up for a trip somewhere, I wouldn’t have to figure out whatever was next. Those questions about what was next were starting to get harder to answer. Waiting for God was getting harder to do.
Then an opportunity came for me to road trip to Duluth. Initially, I thought I was going to help my best friend, Emily, find a house. God had other plans for me.
While in Duluth, I met a man, named Gerald, who played the accordion. He was passionate and loved to play for anyone who would listen. As I watched him play, my mind was transported back to the first month of my trip, where I met another man who was passionate about the accordion. That man was blind. At first he was hesitant to play his accordion but once he realized he had someone willing to listen to him, he played his heart out.
Eleven months later, as I listened to Gerald in Duluth, I was struck by how odd it was that within my first month home I would somehow stumble upon someone who could play the accordion.
I started to wonder if my trip to Duluth was more than just finding a house for Emily.
Unsure about what God was saying through the accordion, I filed it away in the back of my mind. Who knows, maybe it was simply just an odd coincidence?
Deep down, I knew better.
And it definitely didn’t take long for God to take that feeling from deep down and drag it all the way back up to the surface.
Actually, it only took Him an hour.
Emily and I were in Duluth during the opening of Duluth’s huge holiday light show. We were invited to go to the light show by Gerald and his wife. So, we all piled into a car and headed to downtown Duluth. As we drew nearer to the downtown area, the streets became busier. It quickly became apparent that there weren’t going to be any parking spots anywhere near the light show. People and cars were everywhere. Disappointed, we decided to skip the light show. Then Gerald remembered that there was a another smaller light show at a local’s home. We decided to check that show out instead.
Though the smaller event was busy too (though significantly less that the other show), we lucked out and snagged a parking spot near the entrance.
As we entered the exhibit, tasteful yet simple lights dotted the backyard of the home. Halfway through the lights, a simple dirt pathway leading away from the the main area was strung up with lights.
Following the path brought us to the shore of Lake Superior and to a small campfire.
Only a handful of other people milled around the shore. We spent several minutes by the fire, watching the lake and absorbing the peaceful atmosphere. Just as we were thinking about heading back up to the main area, a huge floating lantern was brought out. Caught off guard by the appearance of the lantern, I watched as it was lit and given a gentle nudge into the night sky. It drifted across the lake, higher and higher until it looked like an unusually bright star hovering over the lake.
For the second time in one day I was reminded of my trip. Lighting and sending off a lantern was something I had wanted to do while I was in Thailand. But I couldn’t because floating lanterns were only allowed to be lit during a certain holiday. To do it outside of the holiday was illegal.
And now, here I was in my home state, sending off a floating lantern. What were the odds?
What were the odds that in one single evening I would meet a man passionate about the accordion and then, just an hour later send off a floating lantern? What were the odds that I would be strongly reminded not once, but twice of my trip?
And I knew what God was telling me. He was telling me that the same amazing and beautiful things I had experienced on my trip could happen right here. He was telling me that He had a reason for me here and people for me here. He was telling me that the good and better things I longed for were right in front of me and I only had to open my eyes a little more to see them.
But it’s one thing to know that and a another thing to really accept that.
I still wanted to travel, but God had made it pretty clear that that wasn’t exactly where He wanted me. I still missed the life I had while I was on the trip and I think a part of me was grieving that I had to leave it behind and start a new phase of my life. I definitely didn’t completely give up the idea of doing another mission trip but it did get pushed to the back-burner.
Alright, God. Where You go, I’ll go. Here I am. So… where do You want me to go?
I still hadn’t really accepted that my hometown was where God wanted me. I expected Him to lead me somewhere else.
I looked into doing a writing discipleship program in Georgia but when I learned more, I knew it wasn’t going to work. I knew it wasn’t where God wanted me. And as confirmation, not long after I decided not to do the program, it was discontinued.
I looked into several other options and each one just didn’t feel right. I felt more like I was searching just to have an answer. I wasn’t actually being lead to anything.
So, I was back to square one. And I was starting to get confused about what the heck God was doing in my life. And I was realizing that this whole waiting on God was really going to be a waiting on God thing. I also realized that I wasn’t completely trusting God because I was trying to make things happen by myself.
And let me tell you, that’s EXHAUSTING.
And I kept getting that question. That one annoying question that was starting to stress me out.
“What are you doing next?”
And I know people mean well. Really, I do. But by now it was a couple of months after my trip and I started to feel like my ‘waiting on God’ answer wasn’t enough anymore. Like I should have some kind of inkling by now.
I started working again at my old job that I had before I left on the trip. Why not? I enjoyed it and I definitely was getting tired of having nothing to do. It left too much time for me to overthink.
And, as I started getting more into a ‘normal’ rhythm of life with work, I started to realize that waiting didn’t mean I couldn’t be following God where I was at… so what did He want for me here?
And my thoughts shifted from where You go, I’ll go to where You stay, I’ll stay.
It’s amazing what a shift in your mindset can do. I was too focused on the going to even think about the staying. I forgot that “missions” isn’t just on a mission trip; it’s all the time. It’s in any and every season that you’re in, whether that’s waiting on God or one of those rare moments of direction and clarity.
But just because I gained some clarity about where I was doesn’t mean that life got easier. Why? Because I want to compare what I’m doing now to what I was doing on the trip. The mission work I did on the trip was more tangible, I saw the results of what I was doing. I gave starving kids food, did construction projects, saw people healed, prayed for people, and shared Jesus with people. At home, the results are more subtle. Less tangible.
It’s also hard because that whole trust thing comes back into play, too. Trust is a choice and it’s not just a choice you make once. It’s a daily thing. And it seems like every time I feel like I’ve surrendered that trust something comes up that shakes it.
For example, in the space of one day, I had three or four different people ask me if I was happy where I worked. When I said yes, I felt like some of them were skeptical and didn’t really believe me. How could I be happy there after all I had done in the past year?
One person even told me, “Couldn’t you be doing something better with your life?”
That shook me. I wrestled with God about why Morris all over again. For the most part, I know those people mean well. They don’t want me to be wasting the talents that God has given me. They’ve seen and heard about the impacts that the trip had on me. Like me, I’m sure they expected something ‘bigger’ and ‘better’ than living at home and working at my old job. I think it hits a nerve because it’s not to far away from what I start to think when I’m not trusting God.
So I have to trust God that He knows what He’s doing. I have to trust that He is using me in ways that I can’t even begin to see or understand. I have to trust that, while life here in Morris is not what I planned, it is a part of His plan.
I have to trust that God’s plan is bigger than any of my plans.
And really, it’s not about where I go or where I end up. It’s all about following Him. And it that means He’s here in Morris, then I guess I’m staying in Morris.
And I honestly, I am happy where I’m at. Sometimes, it might be a bit of a struggle to embrace it and it may not be the ‘better’ I initially imagined but there’s ultimately no better place than where God wants me.
And He’s definitely shown me that there are reasons that I’m here. There are people who He’s put in front of me. There are things, like Creative Night (click here for more info), that He wants me to do.
I really don’t think I’m in Morris long term. But I definitely think God has purpose for me here, at least temporarily.
The thing is… I think God’s temporary looks a whole lot different than my temporary.
