Red mud. That’s all I saw as we walked along the path towards the training camp leaders. They greeted us with cheers, high fives and smiles but I was preoccupied with how red the mud around me was. I didn’t think I’d ever seen anything that was so strangely captivating and ominous at the same time. I say ominous because as soon as I saw it I knew I’d be covered in it and struggling to get it off of me. I was right.
I found my squad mates pretty easily but, being fairly new to the squad, felt a little awkward standing among people whose names I was struggling to remember. So I quickly found my beloved P squad and was chatting and hugging everyone in sight. In that moment I realized I was worried about my last minute decision to switch squads.
Thinking back I can’t help but laugh at how God called me back to my new squad that afternoon. It was with five red apples.
I heard my name and was greeted with a hug by a girl with bright blue eyes and a warm smile, Destiny Trotter. She told me to wait as she rummaged through her bags before pulling out 5 small apples and offering them to me. They were as red as the mud around me, with that scent that meant they’d be delicious. How did this girl know? I love apples but not in the regular way people love fruit. They have a way of cheering me up and at this moment, among strangers and feelings of not fitting in, it was a little like eating mama’s best homemade meal. She explained that she had read the ‘about me’ section of my blog and saw that I have an obsession with apples so she decided to bring me some that she had picked fresh from an orchard. Destiny. She was the one who made me think that maybe this new group might be a good fit for me.
But doubt’s a little bit like poison – once it enters your system you need to drain it out completely or it will consume and overtake you.
Training camp was a lot of things, but the only word I can’t use to describe it is easy. I think it’s the combination of physical and mental exhaustion that brings up past and current issues and allows you to take them to God in an honest and vulnerable way.
The first night in worship I sat in the back row and asked God to show up for me. I wanted Him to tell me where He wanted me. I couldn’t shake the feeling that I had made a huge mistake in switching squads. I kept thinking that my ‘mistake’ meant that I wasn’t going to get everything He’d intended me to get out of this next year.
All around me people were praising God. Some dancing, others singing. There were groups huddled together praying over individuals who were in tears over the things God was revealing to them and healing them of. But I felt so utterly out of place I could only close my eyes and beg God to show up for me. I don’t know what I was expecting to happen, but it didn’t. And the lack of an answer began to make me question if He cared.
By day two I was overwhelmed. People around me were sharing their lives and I was seeing God heal their hearts. But as amazing as this group was I still felt disconnected.
Again, that night in worship I went to the back of the room, closed my eyes, and prayed. I begged Him to reaffirm my decision to switch squads and was inwardly panicking that my switch had angered Him. He was mad at me for making a mistake and didn’t care about me anymore! The poison of doubt was doing exactly what it always does and consuming me.
The music around me continued and I decided that praying wasn’t working. Instead I was just going to praise Him. There was nothing else I could do. I stood on my own and joined in singing; eyes closed, swaying from side to side to the rhythm, and moving my lips in an inaudible whisper of praise I sang,
You’re a good good Father.
It’s who You are.
It’s who You are.
It’s who You are.
I am loved by You.
It’s who I am.
It’s who I am.
It’s who I am.
The words resonated. I repeated them with the rest of the group, praising God for who He is and thanking Him for who He has allowed me to be. As I praised Him I was reminded of His consistency. Despite where I was, despite my thoughts, He loved me. It’s who He is.
I remember being completely enveloped in worship when I felt two hands touch my shoulders. Mama Wright, one of our squad coaches, had approached me and began to tell me she thought God wanted me to know that this is exactly where He wanted me to be. That He had picked me to join this group. She shared with me how much He loved me and that He had chosen this particular path for me to walk. She recited scripture after scripture that reaffirmed His love and His plans for me.
And just like that, the poison began to drain. The reminder of God’s love was the perfect remedy for it. The force of His love crashing into me expelled the doubt I had allowed to consume me, and a warm flood of tears were the lies I had repeatedly told myself exiting my body.
When she left I stood in awe of God. He had waited for me to stop focusing on His plans and His will and just praise Him before reaffirming where He wanted me. We went on to sing another song, and this time I sang in full volume praising my God. The lyrics of the song we sang next perfectly describes my experience at training camp, and I think will describe the next year of my life too. It says:
As Your love, in wave after wave,
Crashes over me, crashes over me.
For You are for us,
You are not against us,
Champion of Heaven
You made a way for all to enter in.
You make me brave,
You make me brave,
You call me out beyond the shore into the waves.
You make me brave,
You make me brave,
No fear can hinder now the love that made a way.
By the end of the week we were exhausted and cold, our tents were damp, and everything was covered in that red mud. But we were full of joy, peace, and adoration for our God. The beauty of training camp was in God meeting us exactly where we were and challenging us to go deeper, while showing each one of us just how much He loves us.
Mama Wright was inspired by the lyrics of You Make Me Brave, and painted this picture after training camp for our squad. ‘As Your love in wave after wave, crashes over me…’ 
“I took you from the ends of the earth, from its farthest corners I called you. I said, ‘You are my servant’; I have chosen you and have not rejected you. So do not fear, for I am with you; do not be dismayed, for I am your God. I will strengthen you and help you; I will uphold you with my righteous right hand.” – Isaiah 41:9-10
