Hello, Smalls it’s been quite awhile since we’ve talked. It’s been 2 years, 5 months, 128 weeks, 896 days. Wow. Seems like forever. I know one day we will be reunited again but until then there’s a few thoughts I’ve been thinking about.
When I lost you I lost a piece of me, and a part of my life came to an abrupt end. I know you didn’t and don’t define me. However, the piece of me I lost was YOU; as my brother. The people I meet now don’t get to know you and that part of me, and how special and important you are to me. You are a big part of my life and just like that it was over. This special piece of who helped me be who I am today just vanished into thin air the moment I found out you died. Some days it’s still really hard for me to come to terms with the fact that it’s going to be nearly a lifetime before I see you again, hear your voice, look at your blue eyes that were slightly offset, see your contagious smile, and fight about which television show we would watch.
I often wonder what life would look like if you were still here. I imagine the “flow” of your hair, how deep your voice would be, what you would be pursuing in school, how tall you would be. I mean you beat my height but that’s not saying much. I wonder what adventures we would have gone on or what new inside jokes we would have. I think about how my life would look if you were still here. Most of all I wonder what your relationship with the Lord would look like. Then I think well it can’t get better than it is right now since you’re with the Lord.
Some days I wake up in a panic thinking I forgot what you looked like, what your voice sounded like, or what your favorite things were. However, I’ve come to terms with the fact that If I do actually forget these things that’s okay. The one thing that I hold close to and won’t ever be able to forget is the legacy you left. It’s impacted me and so many others. It’s still impacting people today.
People told me that time would heal the wound of not having you. What time does is it provides band-aid for my heart; then something reminds me of you or I think about the color of your eyes, the sound of your voice, what we would be arguing about if you were here and the band-aid is ripped off. I miss you a lot. Sometimes I miss you so much it’s hard to breathe and feels like I’ve been stabbed and that band-aid isn’t doing much good. However, I’ve realized that these people who told me time would heal, they are providing the band-aid with their words because they don’t know what else to say. The truth is that times doesn’t heal wounds Jesus Christ does.
Your passing has taught me a lot. It’s taught me how to fully trust the Lord and all of His plans no matter how hard things get. It taught me to pursue the Lord first and foremost in everything. It’s taught me compassion. When pursuing the Lord and walking in His will for my life it’s taught me to let go of you and hold tighter to Him. It’s taught me the importance in having deep roots in my relationship with the Father.
As hard has it has been losing you. It’s been a blessing in many ways. Many, again I say many, people have come to know Jesus Christ as their Savior because of your story I’ve been able to share. It’s amazing to watch the Lord use your legacy as you are with Him.
Since your passing my perspective has changed. I now look at pain, hard things, hurt and welcome them. I know the Lord has a plan. I choose to rejoice in the fire. I choose to let the Lord prune me, and mold me into the daughter He has called me to be no matter how hard the situation might be. To God be the Glory.
Love,
Your Big Sister
1 Peter 4:12-19 Beloved, do not be surprised at the fiery trial when it comes upon you to test you, as though something strange were happening to you. But REJOICE insofar as you share Christ’s sufferings, that you may also REJOICE and be glad when His glory is revealed. If you are insulted for the name of Christ, you are blessed, because the Spirit of glory of God rests upon you. But let none of you suffer as a murderer or a thief or an evildoer or a meddler. Yet if anyone suffers as a Christian, let him not be ashamed, but let him glorify God in that name. For it is time for judgment to begin at the household of God; and if it begins with us, what will be the outcome for those who do not obey the gospel of God? And “If the righteous is scarcely saved, what will become of the ungodly and sinner”? Therefore let those who suffer according to God’s will entrust their souls to a faithful creator while doing good.
