Goodness. this is honestly a really hard blog to write. to declare boldly over my life the victory that I’ve decided to walk in. I say decided because it was always there I just never saw it till now. Anyways, where do I even begin?
.
About a month or two before the race the Lord began to open up a wound that I’ve had in my life since I was a little kid. A lie I’ve believed for years and never decided to face it. The lie was this…
.
You don’t matter.
.
I thought my opinion didn’t matter, my story didn’t matter, what I was learning didn’t matter, what I had to say didn’t matter. The whole nine yards. It was bad. I believed that no one wanted me in a room and that I didn’t add anything to life. This impossibility that seems so outlandish to think that I didn’t add to anything was not only a slightly believable lie.
.
IT BECAME A LIFESTYLE
.
Always not sharing my opinion and never saying anything when people asked “what was going on inside my mind?” became so exhausting that I actually became physically drained and tired often. I thought I was just a tired person until the Lord brought me to some self-reflection on the race and I was able to kinda pen down the lie.
.
Anyways, about a month or two before I left for the race the Lord started to peck at this lie. He would say things like “Nathan, say what’s on your mind” “be assertive, you have so much to give.” He would bring me into the secret place with Him and minister to me about the amount I matter. He would tell me all the things that I never knew about myself and encourage me to speak out, saying that I was brave and had lots to say. I began to believe that I mattered a little to the Lord but there was no way that anyone else ever thought that I mattered. I mean no one ever told me. I guess it wasn’t something that people just said and I’m not casting blame on anyone but this way the reality of my situation.
.
After I got on the race I still carried this burden a little and could tell when I was in team times or in conversation with multiple people that I would let myself believe this lie again and I would give in. I wouldn’t say anything and allow myself to lean into the background of the conversation believing the same lie again that I didn’t inherently matter.
.
It was day two or three of ministry and I was outside talking with the Lord when one of our squad’s team leaders came up to me and gave me a note that said three simple words on it.
.
NATHAN MULLIS MATTERS.
.
I was shocked to be completely honest. Someone else thought that I mattered besides the Lord? This wasn’t just a me and God thing? In the days after more people would come up and say that my voice mattered and that I had things to say that were important. People would tell me that my presence mattered in a room and that I was important and valued in conversation. I didn’t know what to think so I brought it to the Lord.
.
“Papa, what do you think about all of this? Do I actually matter to others and to you? Does my presence count?”
.
Here are some of the things that He laid out for me.
.
My presence mattered now more than ever because I had something very important inside of me. The Holy Spirit. And He made my presence irrefutable in a room. It was vital that I stay in conversation because If I leave then a little bit of Jesus leaves the room as well.
.
He taught me that the phrase “you matter” was written into my soul from the very time I was born and was something that the enemy was trying to take from me my whole life. He said,
.
“Nathan, this is the song I sing over you and you sing back to me. I’m constantly singing ‘Nathan you matter, you matter, you matter’ and you’re constantly singing back ‘no father you matter, you’re everything, you’re everything!’ It’s an interchangeable love song.”
.
So as a declaration of this beautiful love song the Lord and I sing back and forth to each other I decided that I would get it tattooed onto my body. I wanted to remember forever that I actually matter, to the Lord and to other people.
.
This fight against the lie “you don’t matter” is constantly being waged. Every day I have the opportunity to show up and say what the Lord has shown me or I have the option to be silent, let the moment pass and help no one. It’s an exhausting fight but one I’m willing to fight out of my own weakness. I will stand for the things the Lord shows me and I will overcome. It’s exhausting but worth it.
.
If you’ve made it this far, thanks for sticking around. This blog was definitely a long one but I hope it was encouraging to see my struggles and victories. If there is anything that I hope you take away from this it’s that..
.
You Matter.
