I’ve been doing a lot of wrestling of late, not because of circumstances but because of who I am and how I live each day. I get depressed when I look at myself. I’m tired of myself, but I don’t seem tired enough. I’m tired of my apathy, but not quite tired enough. I’m tired of my lack of desperation for something, my contentment to live without passion and compassion, but not tired enough. I want real contentment. Real contentment has hope, and desperation for the things to come, and what hasn’t happened yet.
I still haven’t gotten over myself. No matter how many times I try to drill it into my head that this life is not about me. “It’s not about you, Nathan.”
I get depressed when I look at myself because I hesitate. I should write 1rst and 2nd Hesitations. Right now I’m probably sounding like I should write 2nd Lamentations. The truth is part of the lament is I don’t have nearly as much to lament as that biblical author. My life isn’t that hard.
But, I hesitate to pray for people, I hesitate to love them well, I hesitate to encourage, I hesitate to have conversations. Maybe the right word is not “hesitate.” Most of the time, something warring inside simply refuses. Often, I admittedly don’t want to. That “old man” rears his head too often. It’s perplexing. It’s maddening. Why do I so badly want to do one thing, and then I so easily let myself do the other? Why is there this duality in me? Faith one moment, total lack of faith the next. Loving God one moment, ignoring the next.
“My sterile and barren body is yearning for full deliverance.”
It’s winning these flesh man versus spirit man battles, usually smaller battles, that could turn into bigger victories. It’s full realization that fulfillment is somehow found in the process of denying what I want. When you try to do God’s job for him you always end up being a stumbling block. If Peter had his way, the ultimate act of redemption would never have happened.
Richard Rohr had some wisdom on how we are to grow into maturity. We have to embrace that:
-Life is hard.
-You are not that important.
-Your life is not about you.
-You are not in control.
-You are going to die.
Sometimes as we’re wrestling through lessons, we wouldn’t wish it on our worst enemy, but especially afterwards, we wouldn’t trade it for anything in the world. Sometimes you have to walk through things, walk through a near-death experience to experience the fullness of life (that God has for you). Don’t pray away the pain every time; don’t look for the escape route.
He’s all about you, but it’s not about you. I think I’m finally (starting) to get to the end of myself. That’s living the dream.
_______________________________________________________________________
I’ve been stuck in the Romans 7 mindset a bit today; hopefully I will get to Romans 8 tomorrow.
“The difficult times of pain throughout the world are simply birth pains. But it’s not only around us, it’s within us…We’re also feeling the birth pangs…Meanwhile, the moment we get tired in the waiting, God’s Spirit is alongside helping us along. If we don’t know how or what to pray, it doesn’t matter…”
