Lately I have felt an attack creeping up with one month one to go.
Here’s the thought I had in my head: “Nathan you were a better leader on your first team than you ever were as a squad leader. There hasn’t been much growth from you on the race.�
This month Aly, Garrett, and myself have been traveling from team to team. It’s been a struggle to try to hear what it is the Lord wants for teams/squad in this last month. It was said early on that I had the vision to take the squad to new places, to help foster a community that could go to new depths.
While I haven’t necessarily disagreed with that last sentence, I have questioned how well I have done that at times. I know I have made some screws up in leaderships. Over the year I may not have always owned up to the responsibility of the role as I could have; I struggled early on with submitting to authority; I have viewed people before as problems to fix rather than people to love; I tried to lead out of my own strength periodically; I have argued with team members over random crap; and at times I have simply not wanted or chosen to see the benefit of me leading in this season.
At different points during the race I have done these things. But they aren’t the main point. Yes, it’s true. There is growth from remembering my failures. Remembering my failures is key to learning from them. But it’s also missing the point. If I only stay fixated on my failures, my short-comings, then I can’t move forward into what the Lord has shown me from those mistakes. I don’t pretend to know what I am doing in leading.
But if I am constantly seeking approval for what I did or didn’t do well, and if I am unwilling to accept and take ownership of areas where growth is needed I can’t move forward.
In traveling to teams I suggested we do a journaling-type exercise. It’s easy to focus on what hasn’t gone well. Instead I wanted people to write down all the ways the Lord has grown them this year. Sometimes we remember, maybe even write a blog or two about it. We thank God when it happens, but forget two weeks later the revelation the Lord just showed us. How we were able to step into a more intimate walk with the Father. How he brought freedom to areas of our life that we never experienced before. We forget. I forget. I wanted to remember what the Lord has done for me. What good has come from being surrounded in this community. And I wanted us to remember to take time to thank the Lord.
For me, writing it down as a reminder when those attacks arise is something tangible I can go back to and read the truth of what it was the Lord taught me. It’s like setting up a cairn when you are forging a new trail to remember where it is you came from.
It’s not been easy.
What’s easy for me is to let other people define my experience.
I have sought approval from my peers before.
So I am learning to ask what does the Lord say about my time here?
What does he say about my failures and successes?
When I actually take the time to listen to the Lord, I guess I haven’t heard him ever bring up my failures. My mistakes. My short-comings. My flaws. He covers over them with love, grace, and affection to tell me I am His beloved; His chosen one in whom the Lord will bring a new freedom in my own life and the lives of others; that I am a leader; that my source of joy comes from Him; that my faith will prove miracles and not the other way around; that I am a man who seeks justice, encourages the oppressed, and defends the cause of the widow and orphan; that I am a planting of the Lord for the display of the Lords splendor.
When my security lies in something that is not constant insecurity creeps in. Thoughts of you screwed up. You didn’t live up to what people thought you would. You missed what the Lord could have been teaching you the last ten months. When I start to believe lies like these my security becomes defined by something other than the Lord. The Lord is constant. The Father constantly speaks truth and life over my name. He delights in me. Not just because He called me to lead this race, but because He delights in me because I am His son.
Holy Growth Batman!
The Lord is constantly speaking into who I am and refining me into who I am be-coming.
Sincerely,
Robin Salley
