I’ve wrestled with this one verse for 8 days now.
“But go and learn what this means: ‘I desire mercy, not sacrifice’ For I have not come to call the righteous, but sinners” — Matthew 9:13
I’m still trying to wrap my finite little brain around the whole thing. As I sit here writing this post, my words seem to escape me time and time again. How in the world am I supposed to capture the essence of this scandalous truth? The fact that I am truly forgiven, that Jesus doesn’t want what I think I can offer, that there is no cost to me for His grace. This concept that the God of the universe, the creator of everything in all of existence, who is perfect in every way, knows my inadequacy, yet still desires to pardon me, feels impossible to fully internalize. It seems counterintuitive, knowing that the perfect God accepts my imperfection. He’s perfect, what does he want with me?
I suppose it may be difficult for me to understand since as I continue to press further into my walk with The Lord, I am becoming more and more aware of my own sin. You see, I know myself. I know where I suck, where I fail, where I lack, where things in my life turn sour. I know that I am riddled with flaws beyond belief. I know that my persona as a squeaky clean Christian man isn’t all it’s cracked up to be. I’m just that, cracked. I’m mangled, tainted, dirty, in need of cleansing. I know that my sin is a part of me, interwoven into my very being. Whether I like it or not, I’m a messed up, broken, hopeless individual on my own.
Yet, God.
He always seems to turn what I initially think on its head, a total 180. He constantly reveals to me that He knows my need. He understands my hopelessness. He sees my mess, and knowingly dives in headfirst. His love is too radical and boundless to allow me, his dearly loved son, to sit by the wayside wallowing in my self-provoked filthiness. He sacrificed the perfect Christ to make the imperfect Nate, clean. Now that is radical.
But if I’m honest, knowing that God forgives me despite the constant crap I bring to the table makes me think that somehow I should either pay him back, or not accept His grace at all. It is so easy for me to believe I need to earn His forgiveness by abstaining from sin long enough, proving my spiritual devotion clear enough, cleaning myself up well enough, as if somehow I could prove myself worthy. Or maybe to say thanks, but no thanks, and accepting that I don’t deserve to be forgiven in the first place. Yet God blows the doors off my expectations and understanding. He says He gives His grace freely. No strings attached. He says there is nothing I can do to earn it, and even if there was, He wouldn’t want it anyways. I’m reminded of Psalm 51 where David explains before The Lord, “You do not delight in sacrifice, or I would bring it, you do not take pleasure in burnt offerings. The sacrifices of God are a broken spirit; a broken and contrite heart” (Psalm 51:16-17). He explains in resounding clarity that He is asking me to understand my brokenness and accept that His grace alone makes me whole. He forgives me no matter what I have done, am doing, or will do. Jesus presents me before the Father as clean, holy, and blameless, washed by his blood. Here’s what’s crazy. He does it joyfully. There is no recollection of reluctancy. The Father’s extraordinary love is manifested joyfully through Jesus. He is pleased to do it because He loves me. He doesn’t want me to feel guilty accepting it. He invites me in to freely take what he has already made mine. I am freely forgiven.
This is the gospel, the story I’ve heard countless times, sure. But by the grace of God, I am beginning to drown in it all over again. I am learning that there is a distinct difference between knowing you’re forgiven and actually knowing you’re forgiven. At last I am beginning to scrape the top of the truth of truly knowing the gospel of grace. It is a much needed kick in the pants, knocking myself off of my high horse, bringing the reality that I am a constant and wretched sinner into focus. I am messy, I am dirty, I am a broken vessel, but that’s ok. He accepts me as I am. His grace is sufficient and the wings of His mercy cover me. His grace isn’t this cute little trickling stream, but a gushing waterfall that overwhelms and blots out my stains of sin, no matter how deep they seem to me. I need His grace boundlessly, and He gives it boundlessly.
One of my best friends in the world just finished reading this book called “The Ragamuffin Gospel” by Brennan Manning. Through some awesome conversations with him, I was reminded of the first time I read Manning’s inspiring words. In this book, he tackles the very issue I’ve been discussing, explaining that Jesus wasn’t in the business of making clean people cleaner, but by making broken people whole by His grace alone. Manning puts it better than maybe I can.
“The child doesn’t have to struggle to get himself in a good position for having a relationship with God; he doesn’t have to craft ingenious ways of explaining his position to Jesus; he doesn’t have to create a pretty face for himself; he doesn’t have to achieve any state of spiritual feeling or intellectual understanding. All he has to do is happily accept the cookies: the gift of the kingdom“
Realizing that grace is free, or perhaps more simply, “accepting the cookies”, is a daily decision with deep-seated implications which become increasingly vast with each step towards The Lord. Here’s the thing: grace makes life incredibly unfair. Grace also frees me up to give my life away. Grace takes the focus off of my ability to do anything, and puts the focus on the fact that Jesus is able to redeem everything.
It’s funny to think that God is willing to use silly, dirty creatures like you and I to reflect His glory. It still blows me away to think about the fact that He is allowing me to go on The World Race despite myself and my constant need of mercy. But then again, I suppose it makes sense. I am exactly the one Jesus came to save, a sinner. I can’t think of a better way for someone to hear about the grace of God than from someone who has been redeemed by it themselves. My prayer and hope is that my time as a racer is blanketed with the constant realization that I am forgiven freely, which leads my squad mates and I to speak freely to the nations that so are they.
Thanks so much for reading! Fundraising update: we have eclipsed the $5,000 mark! I am in awe of The Lord’s willingness to bless my journey and your willingness to graciously give to His work in my life. If you’re interested in donating, follow the “support me” link on the left! There are a couple fun fundraising chances that I have in the works, so stay tuned! Hint: they involve pancakes and cool t-shirts. I would love to hear from you all, so please don’t hesitate to contact me!
As always, Go Bucks.
