“tink, tink, tink…,” The small exact hammer to chisel strikes lay siege on my soul. Each strike carefully and intricately planned. The Almighty nestles me in the palm of His hand, placing me upon his work bench, all the while gleaming of joy and heartfelt compassion for the blows that are laid. It is a painful process; the hewing, chipping, and fine polishing of one’s true self, and something that one does not easily allow. This month has been a constant fight with the lover of my soul and stone mason of my life. I have shied away at the last second from His strategic strikes. I have pleaded with Him to stop, to let me have my rest, to leave me as I am. I have tried jumping from his grasp, but at each attempt of evasion He gently caught me and assured me of His loving intentions.
God has been teaching me a lot in these past 2+ weeks and I have suffered through much of it. God has been slowly working my soul to be content with what He gives me. To not continually beat down on the harsh living conditions or the lack of freedom in which we live with. Back home I wasn’t content with my job, and how I was living out my life. I longed to be elsewhere, to be doing something that had divine purpose. Now that I am on this magnificent adventure serving the LORD in whatever capacity, all I can think of is how much I desire home and how un-content I am with this present ministry site. I am unsettled, easily aggravated, lonely yet surrounded, perplexed and weak in spirit. The devil has neared success in stealing this month of growth away from me, but my Rock and my Redeemer has stepped in and seized this moment of weakness to mold and structure me as He sees fit. The rider on the white horse has crested the mountain of my peril and has gallantly fought off the enemies attacks, as I lay wounded on the battle front. Hallelujah! Praise be to God!
I am beginning to see with new eyes the beauty of being in the moment with God. He has requested my focus be on Him and Him alone as I step out of my boat onto the peril of the deep fathoms of waters unknown. Much of this month I have seen only the negative things around me and I began to slip into those waters. But again, God has been humbling me, growing me in contentment, and teaching me to see through His light and not through the murky waters of the deep. He has called me higher; to forget my comforts, my desires, my dreams, my ways. He has literally called me again to set aside my whole self. I am not my own and I am not to fight for myself, but for others. I am to take up my cross and follow, not wander off on my own accord. I am a sheep not a goat. I am a disciple, not the Christ. My ways are not His ways, thus I must follow. I must accept his hammer and chisel and the work He has laid out before me since the beginning of time.
God brought me to the surreal realization that my heart is far too much like Peters’; Zealous to the point of disobedience, but ever so eager to pursue Christ. I long for the Kingdom to come, yet I try to forcefully usher it in. At times I am unrelenting and hard on others; I desire growth and get frustrated when I do not see it. I am not the most empathetic and soft and God is humbling me in big ways. Teaching me when I need to be hard and push forward, and teaching me when I must be soft spoken and put on other’s shoes. That is the state of my heart and the perpetual battle I have partaken in this month while in India.
Ministry has been great as of late, and we only have just 1 more week left! A few nights ago, after our message we prayed over a demon possessed women and she was delivered and confirmed Christ as her Lord. Praise God! But here is the coolest parts of all… wait for it… Because others saw the power of God on display 5 others came to faith and now want us to come back and baptize them!!! Woot! We are already seeing fruition! On top of that we were invited to be a part of the monthly all regional pastor’s meeting and a few pastor from villages we visited gave testimony to how, after we left, some people were healed and faiths were strengthened!
Thank you all for your prayers, you have been incremental in getting me through this rough month and now God is bearing fruit out of it all! Thailand in one week!
Personal quote of the month: “A-midst the stronghold of evil, the fading of light, and the darkness that has engulfed all. Remember one thing. He is still here… the Light is still lite… Hope exists.”
