On the plane ride home from training camp, all I did was sit and journal, because I was not smart enough to keep journaling throughout the week. It is a reflective journal, and is a bit long, so bear with me!
Saturday, October 19th
Wow. What a week. I am sitting her in ATL International Airport, tired beyond belief. Where has this week gone? I wish I had done more journaling. I’ll try my best to summarize the days after Sunday. On Monday, I woke up freezing cold. I had a hammock for a blanket, slept in a tent, and had only jeans and a t-shirt. I was cranky and miserable. I consistently found myself asking, “God, why am I going through all of this? It’s too much for me!” After breakfast that morning, we unknowingly began a new C-squad tradition that, if you ask anyone in my squad, they will tell you that something beyond our understanding happened that morning. It was the turning point of the week, and we began to become a family. We stood in a circle, holding hands, and just prayed.
Later, after one of the sessions, Ryan, one of our squad coaches came and prayed with me about having peace and trusting God with this new route. I felt a little better, but I still wasn’t comfortable. A few sessions later, we were told to pray for each other. Some of my squad came around me and prayed. During that prayer, I realized that a lot of my apprehension and grief stemmed out of animosity towards Bill (WR head), and how he did a sort of lottery drawing with no warning. How selfish am I? It could’ve been anyone else, but God chose me out of that hat. Who am I to question it? After that bit of a breakthrough, I still wasn’t 100% committed. I progressively felt better, though, and I slept all through the night Monday night.
Tuesday was amazing. At least I think it was Tuesday. Things are all muddled together. Maybe it was Monday night. Anyways, Kori went up on stage after we had had a session on praying for healing, and Kori had chronically sweaty hands, and it had been a problem she’d had for a while. All five of the squads prayed over her, and God answered big time. Her hands were considerably better. She also had night terrors that kept her from sleeping, and some back pain as well, and by (I think) Wednesday, her pain was completely gone! But God wasn’t done, at least not for me.
Tuesday afternoon, the men and women of all the squads split up. The men got on a bus and drove to the top of a “mountain” trail head. After a brief talk, we set off running down the trail for a mile. No joke, I did the run without stopping. When we got to the mile point, we stopped and got some further instructions. We had half an hour to get back up the mountain as a squad. There always had to be two people who were “crippled” and two who were “blind”. We were the third team to finish, with a time of thirty four minutes. We learned a lot about each other that day. We could trust each other, and we were all there for each other.
That night was the turning point for me. The squad was given some chicken and vegetables and spices, and told to go for it. We worked together to build a fire and come up with ways to cook our dinner on our own. It was really delicious. After dinner, we decided to do some worship, since we hadn’t had any sessions that day with worship. I went and grabbed my trumpet from my tent, and started playing along. As I felt worship begin to wind down, I heard God speak to me – well, I suppose I more sensed it, but it seemed clear as if he was next to me. He said, “Nathan, play your favorite hymn.” I thought, well OK. God’s finally having me do something I know I can do! So I started to play, and a huge peace came over me. I don’t remember playing at all. God spoke to me in that moment. “Nathan, you need to let go of your fear and discouragement. Be strong and courageous, trust in me, and know that I have a plan and a purpose for this switch.” I felt the presence of God that night. I put my trumpet away, went to my tent, and wept for what seemed like hours. The next day, I walked a little taller. Some of the huge emotional weight was gone.
God knows what he is doing, even when we don’t.
For I know the plans I have for you, declares the LORD, plans for welfare, and not for evil, to give you a future and a hope. Then you will call upon me and come and pray to me, and I will hear you. you will seek me and find me, when you seek me with all your heart.
Jeremiah 29:11-12
