May I just have a raw moment of honesty?
For the longest time I thought that being in the midst of your calling meant that you had it all together and life was grand. But I'm slowly realizing that isn't what it means. And while some of you might shake your head at my honest openness about my struggles, there's something to be said about being translucent with your fellow believers.
Over the next year you're going to hear about the failures and the brokenness, but you're also going to rejoice in the triumphs and miracles . . so why not start now?
Today was a hard day.
Not with work or interactions with others.
It was a hard day emotionally. It's December 6th. That means in exactly 33 days I'll be headed to launch.
I'll be stepping into this calling and out into the unknown.
It's finally hit me; the realization of what this means.
And I was struck with a bittersweet sadness.
I'm leaving my family, my friends, my life. I'm walking away from everything to follow this calling. I'm abandoning a year full of birthdays, engagements, marriages, births, deaths . . priceless moments you can't rewind.
And I feel so guilty.
So selfish.
I feel like I'm abandoning those who rely on me. Like I am letting them down or bailing out when they need me most. And when there's a sad moment, a hesitation of goodbye, I feel so selfish for walking out on a year of their life.
But then I feel both selfish and guilty for thinking that.
Like I'm being such a brat for even being upset about leaving all of this here.
Like perhaps I'm overreacting and should get my focus back to where it needs to be. I feel so guilty for being sad and distraught when there's a hurting world out there with oodles more problems than having to say goodbye to people for a year.
Like I shouldn't be.
And then I realized that I use the word 'I' too much…
Because this … from when I signed up to when I launch … truly isn't about me. All of this is about them. It's about the world. The lost and forgotten.
It's about the orphan who has never known love or the widow that has lost it.
It's about the sex slave longing for freedom and the oppressed needing hope.
This is about those here, that I'm leaving behind, recognizing THEIR callings through my action.
It's about being a witness to the complacent parts of the Christian body.
This has never been about me.
And won't be about me.
It's about God using a willing vessel.
While I am still struggling with the emotions of sadness and remorse, and probably will be for awhile, it's ok.
God is holding me in His arms recognizing the love I have for those around me and honoring my action of following what He has called me to do.
Tonight, as I sit around joking with those near and dear to my heart, I bask in the moment and recognize that while this is one of the last times I'll be with them for a year . . it's going to be ok because this isn't about me.
It's about Him.
It's about the lost of the world.
And it's about you, walking into what God has been calling you to do for so long now.
<3tasha
