It's been ten months.
And I'm realizing that I still don't know anything.
Sure, I can preach at a moments notice and am use to sharing a squaddie potty with 15 other individuals.
And I'm not surprised when a 'lost in translation' moment blows up in my face and I'm suddenly in front of a crowd, expected to have a service prepared.
I'm no longer super self-concious when strangers stare at me, unashamedly, for long periods of time.
I've become quite accustomed to moving every thirty days, almost to the point that mentally I feel like it's 'time', and a fifteen hour travel day, in a bus, is a normal part of life.
The constant movement or sound from those whom I live with no longer finds it's way into my conscious and if I close my eyes real tight, it's almost like I'm alone.
And I've gained the ability to suppress any facial expression or gag reflex when something questionable lands on my dinner plate.
No longer are there questions surrounding living conditions, ministry expectations, or miscommunicated communications.
The World Race culture has become one and the same.
It's become my life.
And in some ways, I've become a professional at this lifestyle.
I don't question it anymore; I just go with the current of the river that God has placed me in.
The last ten months have been an experience that has taken my breath away, stolen puddles of tears, and left me stunned into silence.
I've seen the most beautiful of things, but have also witnessed the most tragic.
I've watched God save lives, and I've experienced the pain in the age old question of "Why God, why?"
But still, I know nothing.
After ten months, I assumed that I would have it all figured out.
Yet, I find myself questioning God on a daily basis.
And most times, I feel guilty about it.
Why, when I've been around the world and I've SEEN God move, when I've seen Him SAVE lives from literal death, why do I question?
Why do I doubt?
Why do I find myself in a midst of confusion and, what has felt like, minor separation?
I find myself drowning in self-condemnation that I was a 'bad' daughter of Christ.
That I was merely a seed that fell on bad soil.
And for awhile, I let myself simmer in the lies.
I let myself feel guilty.
I let myself hide beneath the blanket of it.
Until, I decided that enough was enough.
Until, I had that defining moment that the guilt I was feeling, the shame I was allowing to consume me, wasn't of God.
That I was allowing my heart to be pulled away from Him.
I woke up from my self-pity, and determined to relieve myself from the drowning, went to spend time with the Lord.
I opened my journal and found a passage that I had wrote, rambling off about home.
In it, I asked God for an unshakable faith.
That when I landed in America, I would stand firm in my convictions.
And that's when the realization of the truth blossomed in my mind.
I wasn't questioning because I was further away from God.
I was questioning because I was closer to the heart of my Father.
I was questioning because I was comfortable enough to ask.
No longer was my relationship with Him a formality.
No longer was it the beginning stages of a relationship, where you always have to look perfect and try to say the right thing.
This year has taken me through the ringer.
I've come out a better person, but really I've come out closer to the heart of God.
I've walked into a more intimate relationship with Him.
A relationship that is solid, and committed.
A relationship where I can wear my sweatpants, with dirty hair, and have makeup running down my face while I cry.
A relationship that when I stomp my foot in a tantrum, there's no judgement; only grace.
A relationship in which it's SAFE to ask questions.
Where it's safe to doubt because underneath all of the questions and all of the doubt and all of the uncertainty, there is an undying love.
And an unspoken understanding that I am merely human.
That I am faulted and I am sinful but that I am LOVED beyond that.
And I'm allowed to ask questions.
I'm surrounded by His love and His grace.
And now, I find myself consumed in this relationship I have with Him.
A relationship not built on formality, but built on that kind of can't eat, can't sleep, over the wall, world series kind of stuff.
A relationship that is unshakeable and firm in it's convictions.
A relationship that is a faith.
A faith that will not be moved.
I've learned a lot this year.
I still don't know much and I still have so many questions.
But, amongst all of the uncertainty, there is one thing that I DO know.
It's okay to doubt.
It's perfectly acceptable to ask questions.
Because, at the end of the day, you're His creation and His child, and nothing can separate you from the love of your Father.
I still know nothing.
But one day, I'll know everything and all understanding will come as I sit upon His lap in heaven.
<3tasha.
**I share this story to hopefully bring encouragement to any of you who might find yourself in this type of season. There is a light at the end of it, I promise. If you want to talk about it or would like prayer, please contact me! I'd love to pray with you. 🙂
