I want to feel alive… again.
I've been back on American soil for six months.
During that time, I've basked in the company of my family, enjoyed welcoming two beautifully perfect angels into the world (my twin nieces), been given an amazing work opportunity, and bought a lovely vehicle.
I've also realized that I'm nowhere near as whole and refined as I thought I was getting off the plane in JFK. I often joke that the true refinement started when I was thrown back into the world of comfort and expectation. When life no longer revolved around merely surviving and instead, became a whirlwind of lunch dates, work schedules, and must-do's. When community became scarce and feedback nonexistent. My life finally became a routine. One I had been longing for all year, and instantly regretted ever dreaming about.
A routine of the mundane.
I find myself now, struggling with the decisions that being a grown-up in America presents. Do I stay or do I go? Do I follow my heart's cries or do I stay diligent with the season I've laid before myself?
I think that we've all gone through so many different seasons in our lives. Some where the plan was laid out in stone in front of us and all we had to do was walk. Others where the fog seemed to cover up the pathway and we were merely shuffling along, cautiously but certainly. And then there are those seasons; where we find ourselves galloping into the unknown, with a blindfold of trust and a heart of sincere expectation.
But every so often, we find ourselves in the 'in-between' season. Not galloping, shuffling, or walking but just standing, looking around and trying to decide which path we should follow.
And here I stand. Praying, processing, and trying with all my might to decipher which way I should be walking. The season in itself isn't something to frown upon because along with the struggle, comes the growth and dependence on the Lord.
There's one thing I know. I long to feel alive. I long to walk in community and intimacy with the Lord.
And I long for my life to be immersed in His calling on it. For my life to be His best for me.
I don't know how I'll get there, or if I ever will. But I do know what my heart wants…
To feel alive in His love; wherever that may be.
<3Natasha.
