Since I’ve been home two weeks and have had terrible writers block I decided to post something that I wrote one of our last nights at final debrief. I guess you could say it is me giving an attempt at “processing” through things, it is a little harsh at times but in the end it sums up the confusion and heartache of coming home after 11 months of reality.
(Also, it’s meant to be read as a spoken word but since I’m still working on that whole rhythm thing you can read it how you please.)
I feel guilty, guilty that I’ve loved on the children and people, but then 3 weeks later
I leave. I leave and may never see any of them again. I loved Jimmy & Hector in Guatemala, I prayed
for women who had just lost babies in El Salvador, I talked and prayed with a woman who was 5
months pregnant and still working the streets in Nicaragua, I visited the shacks of church people in
the Philippines, I spent time with a bar girl in Thailand, I loved on Alicia who was hard to love in
Malaysia, I held a little girl for an afternoon in Cambodia, I left James and Stella after we got robbed in
Kenya, I mothered Leyton in Uganda, I protected a little boy from bullies in Swaziland, I gave attention
to a self-conscious pre-teen in South Africa. I’ve loved and left, so in essence, haven’t I hated?
We come into their lives for a moment, just long enough to remind them what love is then we leave,
we leave them once again hurt and alone. I’m leaving tomorrow, changed; they are stuck in their
situation that is unchanged. So isn’t this all really selfish ambition?
But if, if in just one brief moment of time I showed the love of Christ then didn’t I, didn’t I just love
them with the best kind of love there is? And if it is the best kind of love then isn’t it possible that it
changed their lives forever? I have to believe this is true because if it’s not then these 11 months were
spent in selfish ambition to make a middle class white girl feel good about herself. If this is the best
kind of love then doesn’t it leave a thumbprint behind? And isn’t the thumbprint that of these
individuals’ beautiful Creator?
