“God can you hear me?” is often the question we shout into the universe when circumstances become dyer, relationships are strained, hearts broken, but does God say the same thing to us? “Tash can you hear me?”
Today I took the day off to read and sit in silence. Why? Right now I’m not hearing God so clearly. My tuner is broken at the moment and so finding the station God is on has been a little difficult. Let’s be honest, we all have those moments where we start to doubt if God really speaks to us at all; if he really is up in the throne room listening intently or if he has forgotten all about us.
So today I sat in silence for a long while and realized that nothing was being accomplished. Just because I close my mouth doesn’t mean I’m being silent. Actually I think I become more restless. Pondering over ever thought from God, not from God, if not from God then from who, me? It can be confusing.
So I asked God this question first: God do you speak to me? Reply, a simple “yes”.
Okay that is awesome God, now can you tell me what you would like me to do? Reply…still waiting.
However, it came to me, has God already given me his answer. Am I asking the same question over and over and over again. I can see God right now holding up a BIG YELLOW YEILD sign saying LISTEN. Stop asking all the questions and just listen. I have given you the answer.
See I fall into this habit a lot. Lately I have been thinking about returning home for a handful of reasons. And so I began to ask God, “What would you like me to do?” actually that is a lie (still working out this while typing) I began to ask myself “What should I do”. How many times have I phrased that question to myself and have gotten into big trouble.
I start to worry about all the things that will happen after the race. I started worrying about all the what-if’s instead of listening to what God has promised me “he will never leave and never forsake me.” My fear of failure has always existed, I believe. Growing up in athletics my drive to win often was excessive. In everything, I wanted to be the best. Now I know that even the best lose. But I began to fear losing or failing and so I began to fail intentionally. I began to make the wrong choices because I wanted control over my failure.
So today while sitting in my bedroom, somewhere in Romania, I realized that I had started to shut down. I was afraid of failing to meet my fundraising goal. I was afraid that I would fail my parents, teammates, and friends. I began to fear that I would fail myself and God. Oh man of course I’m going to fail! I’m human, of course I’m going to fail. But that is the beauty of God’s grace.
Alright, so all that being said I’m laying down some pride and ego and asking for some help. By the September 21st I have to have $2188 in my account. I am praying that God will provide. I have to get over my fear of failure and step confidently into what God has for me. I have to trust that God will provide even though I have been standing in the way.
