I’m currently sitting in a hostel in Medellín, Colombia at debrief and I’m reveling in the fact that I’m alone in a room (!!!) and have wifi (!!!!!!).
Month 1 has come and gone and I still can’t believe we’re about to start month 2 already. The Lord broke me down in a lot of good ways and taught me a lot of things this month, but maybe the biggest lesson I learned was that I cannot have a savior complex if I want to show people my Savior.
I have a tendency to place a lot of my identity in what I have to offer- in my abilities, my talents, my skills and my resources. Those things are not bad by any means; they’re gifts from God, and I should use them to bless others. But by the end of the month, I was exhausted and fed up because I felt like every time I tried to give something I had away, it didn’t end up working out like I thought it would. I was so frustrated and just honestly feeling a little worthless. I wasn’t trusting that the Holy Spirit could change hearts without me and all the things I have to give away. Multiple times, I questioned the purpose of this trip and, really, my purpose in general.
One morning, a few days before we left, we were planning on going out and praying for people in the neighborhood. I was sitting in our kitchen, drinking coffee and watching people walk by on the street. I saw an old man walking up the street using a cane, and for some reason seeing him almost moved me to tears. Suddenly, I heard the Lord say to me:
“You are not their hope.”
That was a swift kick to the stomach and I couldn’t believe what the Lord had revealed to me in that moment: I am not a savior. I am not what is going to change people’s hearts and lives. I have things to give away, but the most important thing I have is knowledge of freedom and joy and love that comes through knowing Jesus. I am not the hope of the world. Jesus is.
We didn’t end up going out to the neighborhood because our host’s back was hurting him, but then a little while later a man that our host, Alex, had known for many years came by to borrow money because his son was in the hospital with appendicitis. Jorge wanted Alex and our team to pray for his son and afterwards, everyone sensed God was doing more in him than he let on. He began telling us how he had continually felt the Lord speaking to him, telling him to get out of the pockets of the drug cartels and follow Him. Jorge was terrified because just a few weeks prior, one of his friends was shot and killed by the people in those same cartels. He knew what he had to do; he was just scared to do it.
Alex talked to him (in really fast Spanish, which I’m actually getting pretty good at understanding) for a while and told him that God has so much more for him and that He loves him. He told him to have courage and to not hear the enemy’s lies that he’s stuck in this business and he can’t get out. There was a lot more that was said, and it broke my heart to see how he loved his family so much and wanted to do better for them but felt like he couldn’t. We all prayed with Jorge and he left with a bible and, I think, hope.
That day just showed me how much God is working and how much He can do without us. He doesn’t need us to bring Kingdom, but he WANTS to use us to change the world. There’s no words I could say to someone, no song I could sing, no amount of money I could give away, that could save someone and give them purpose and hope in their lives. Only the love of Jesus can do that.
…and His name will be the hope of all the world.
Matthew 12:21
