As I walked around the Adventures in Missions campus, I felt more alone than ever.
Every time I passed by someone, I would try and ask for help about where I should go or what I should do- and I got ignored every single time. Eventually, I felt so incredibly rejected, I decided to just go home. The only problem was that I couldn’t find the bus to get me there. I was trapped in an unfamiliar place surrounded by strangers.
That was a dream I had about two weeks before I left for World Race training camp. (Note: actual training camp was nothing like that, thank God)
In the final two weeks before camp, I had a lot of nightmares, and a lot of them left me feeling just like that one did: rejected, anxious, worthless, hurt, and like a failure. I always have vivid dreams and most of the time I remember them, but I had never experienced dreams that preyed so fiercely on all of my deepest insecurities and fears. This was spiritual warfare at its best. This was the enemy trying to get inside my head; and for a while, I believed every lie he told me about myself, unaware of what was happening. And then, it was time for training camp.
As it turns out, Shrek was right: people are onions, and you have to peel back layers to get to who they really are. That’s what these past 10 days did. I had to come to the end of myself. Layer by layer, God was stripping me of things I needed to let go of in order to make space for Him. It was uncomfortable; at times, almost painful. Vulnerability is hard, especially with a group of 50+ people you just met. More than once, I stood on the edge of our campsite, looking into the woods and thinking about how much of a head start I would have until someone realized I had run away.
There’s a verse that was brought up this week by one of our amazing training leaders, Teresa, and it has stuck with me. Isaiah 27:3 says:
“I, the Lord, watch over it; I water it continually. I guard it day and night so that no one may harm it.”
In the peeling of my onion, in the tilling of my soil, God was watching over me. He was creating a space where He could work in me. Even in the seemingly painful moments, he was doing something good. Isn’t he always?
There’s no way I could write about every single thing I learned this week. I let go of layers of shame, moved forward in a process of grief, grew deeper in knowledge about who my identity is in Jesus, and learned to identify lies from the enemy in order to replace them with truth. I saw what the body of Christ is supposed to look like: all different people coming from different places, ready to serve each other, fight for one another, call each other higher and love unconditionally and relentlessly. In this, we mirror the way that Jesus loves us: never ceasing, always pursuing.
As I learned to let go of comfort and embrace the tilling of soil, vulnerability got easier. Loss of control got easier. Trusting that the Lord is nothing but good and faithful got a whole lot easier. I saw Him at work in my life and in the lives of my squadmates. I saw Him in the way the Adventures in Missions staff poured into us so generously. I gained an amazing family that I get to love on, live life and do ministry with this next year.
By the end of camp, I looked around at my new family and couldn’t believe what the Lord had done in 10 short days. I couldn’t believe that I get to live a life full of so much love and purpose. I can’t wait to travel the world and bring that same love and purpose to everyone I meet.
Another verse that has stuck with me is the latter part of Matthew 10:8, which says: “Freely you have received; so freely give.” I am ready to choose in; to give all of myself away even when I don’t feel like it. Freely, I have received grace and love and mercy; freely I will give away everything I can in order to bring the Kingdom of Heaven to earth.
