At the beginning of this summer, I decided to pray and ask God for something that sometimes I wish I hadn’t asked for: I asked for Him to hold up a mirror to myself and show me things I needed to change or work on. At the time, I was like, “yeah, do it!” and now I’m like, haha, can I take that back?
In reality, I love good self-reflection. I’m constantly making lists of things that I’ve learned in certain seasons of life and trying to be a better me, in general. I love verbally processing the tangled web of thoughts in my head to my friends who are honestly probably tired of hearing me talk. But I’ve been learning some painful lessons this summer and if I wasn’t absolutely sure that God is good and sovereign over my life then that’s all they would be- painful.
To write all of the things that the Lord has been showing me would be a whole other blog post, so I’ll spare you the read and let you know the biggest thing I’ve been learning: I find a lot of my identity in what other people think of me. I’m still wildly insecure when I’m not finding my identity in who the Lord says I am. And when my expectations aren’t met, I shut down.
A while back, I was struggling a lot with whether or not to go on the Race; I wanted to stay in Richmond and I was dreaming of a job with my church (shoutout to Chill City). When that didn’t pan out, even if I knew that what did pan out was right and that God was in control, I shut down. Disappointment is crippling, and there were a few weeks where I questioned my worth as a college graduate, my worth as an intern, and my worth as a follower of Jesus. I didn’t get that job for a number of reasons- and I’m really glad I didn’t, because God is in control and His plans have already turned out to be a million times better than mine (and honestly, I’m embarrassed that it’s often hard to believe that).
More recently, there was a guy who I had developed feelings for and was pretty excited about. When things didn’t work out the way I had hoped they would with him, I shut down again. Even though I knew for a fact that they worked out the way they did because, again, God is sovereign and His plans are better, the disappointment was still just as crippling. My expectations and my reality did not match up, and it made me question my worth as a woman. I started to hear the insecurities that I had worked for so long to shut out: He didn’t want you. You are nothing. You deserve nothing. To summarize, this really sucked, and it took a lot of daily reminders that I was who the Lord said I was: radiant, worthy, and so deeply loved.
I was finding my identity in things that I should not have been finding my identity in, and I’m still figuring out how to prioritize who I am as a daughter of the King over who I am as anyone else. I will say that the painfulness of learning these lessons is vastly overshadowed by the knowledge that, just like a lot of plants, we have to be pruned in order to grow healthily. I know that.
One of my favorite verses that I’ve been clinging to this year is Isaiah 43:1-5. It’s a little long, so I’ll just encourage you to go read it yourself, but there’s one line in particular that I love: “Fear not, for I have redeemed you. I have called you by name; you are mine.”
While I have a sneaking suspicion that insecurity is always going to be in the back of my mind (and sometimes in the front), I know that the Lord redeems these things: feeling unworthy, being crippled by disappointment, and seeking validation and affirmation from things I shouldn’t be seeking it from. He has called me by name. And the best part is that He’s called you, too. Will you listen?
