2 Corinthians 12:8-9 says, “Three times I pleaded with the Lord about this, that it should leave me. But he said to me, ‘My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.’ Therefore I will boast all the more gladly for my weakness, so that the power of Christ may rest upon me.”
Another version says it this way, “I begged the Lord three times to take this problem away from me. But the Lord said, ‘My grace is all you need. Only when you are weak can everything be done completely by my power.’ So I will gladly boast about my weaknesses. Then Christ’s power can stay in me.”
I’m going to be 100% honest with you guys, I am not okay. I tried to hold it together for a while, but I was just lying to the people around me, including myself. I numbed myself to any emotion and shoved any thought about my hurt away. I talked about it with people, but I never felt the emotion. I wouldn’t let myself. I couldn’t let pain be a part of my life, especially not after getting home from a seven month long mission trip. Life is supposed to be good and perfect after all that happened when I was gone, right?
I eventually started letting myself feel the emotions, but it led to me crying myself to sleep pretty frequently. I would ask the Lord to comfort me, to take the anxiety away, and then the comfort from his presence in the room would help me to be able to fall asleep. Sometimes, I would call friends at night too, to remind me of the truths of the Father and to take my mind off all the hurts (shoutout to Kimmy Kim, love you lots). I felt at war with my spirit and flesh. I was always trying to take it to the Lord, have him be the person to help me through everything, but as soon as I would get up from my intimate time with him, the lies of the enemy would surround me. It was like my flesh wanted to hold on so badly to the hurt and frustration and the things that I was a victim to. On the other hand, my spirit reminded me of the Lord’s goodness and his love for me and the way he is fighting for me, always. I felt so stuck.
At one point, I became so angry at the Lord. I know some of you are thinking, “Uh. Oh. That’s not good.” Let me tell you, though, God can handle it. I was so angry at him, so I told him about it, and I didn’t hold back. It was so good for me to do it, because my anger wasn’t just sitting there anymore, I brought it to the light. I talked to him about how he promised me goodness, and I explained that the season I’m in is not a happy and good season. I was afraid he had forgotten everything he had promised me and had me excited for when I was in Guatemala and most of Ethiopia. I reminded him that I had obeyed everything that he asked of me, even when I was not happy about it (not that he needed the reminder, but I had to tell him exactly where my heart was at with it). I asked a lot of “why” questions. Why did I leave Ethiopia the way I did? It was supposed to be so different, yet I left without processing what was happening (I don’t think I’ve quite realized yet that I left Africa if I’m being honest. I seriously have not let myself grieve that part of my trip). Why didn’t my mom get to visit me in Thailand? Why did you take that away too? Why on earth was I put on a farm for my first week of ministry in Thailand while the majority of my squad had wifi the entire time, air conditioning, city life, less hours of ministry, THEIR PARENTS, etc.? Why is so much being taken from me? Why did I leave the Race? Why didn’t I get to see elephants like everyone else did? The list of “why” questions went on and on. I didn’t understand why so much was taken from me when I was listening to the Lord’s voice on a consistent basis. I obeyed all that he said and told me, I was in such a good place and on good terms. “Why, Lord? Why? What did I do wrong?”
I was looking through one of my journals from last summer the other night, when I randomly flipped to a journal entry from one of the night sessions at camp. Guys, thanks God for journals and for having the opportunity to look back. On the page in my journal, one of the points said this: “Just because you’re carrying pain, it doesn’t mean you’re doing something wrong. It’s not because you don’t have enough faith. It’s not because you’re not trusting God enough.” Get this (hahahaha), the next point said, “When you stop being a victim of your pain, you profit when you go to his word.” Better yet, right after THAT point I read, “Don’t allow what you don’t understand about God keep you from trusting what you do know about him.” Okay, Jesus, I see you.
This is when the verse from 2 Corinthians came into play with my heart. I have cried so hard to God. I asked him so many times to take the pain away. That’s why I was so mad at him. If he is the God he says he is, he can make it all go away if he really wanted to. But then the verse says, “My power is made perfect in your weakness.” and “Only when you are weak can everything be done in my power.”
I think it’s funny. Most of my time on the Race was like a stinking vacation of a lifetime between me and the Lord. I felt so whole and new and excited for anything that would be thrown at me. I remember having conversation after conversation with him. Whatever the enemy would throw at me in my lifetime, I would be able to get through it as long as it was God standing next to me through the whole thing. The last week in Ethiopia threw me into a weird season with God, and this season is still going on. I was so confused. I thought I had done something wrong. I thought maybe I didn’t hear the Lord correctly or he was disciplining me for something I had done wrong. I thought he stopped caring about me (I really did). I had to fight to do my devotions and throw myself out of the victim mindset. It used to be so easy to seek the Father and be someone that happened to my circumstances instead of letting my circumstances happen to me.
God was teaching me to give all my control to him and let him have all my hurts and worries while I was in Ethiopia. He did this to help me realize how much I really do need him. He would tell me that I have to give him complete control and believe that he has full control to be able to fully trust him. I’m obviously still learning that because I haven’t quite gotten a full understanding of “power made perfect in my weakness.” If when I am weak, God’s power is made perfect and it teaches me that I need him more and more than so be it with this season. I will surrender my life and circumstances to the Lord daily. He’s got it. No more lies and hurts being whispered in my ear. I’m done giving into the lies of the enemy.
