As I sit in the plane on the way to LA to come home so suddenly after being on the field for just short of seven months, tears can’t help but stream down my face. I look around and see my family all asleep around me. No, not my mom & my dad quite yet, but the family of 40+ others that had the same call as me. These are the people that have held me as I cried these past months in place of my community back home. From the first day that I stepped foot in Guatemala and cried so hard, unsure of what I just got myself into, to literally being in the airport a few hours ago with soft tears coming from my eyes because of how exhausted I was from all of the past events of the previous weeks, not feeling able to catch a break. Through it all, these people around me have learned who I am and have held me whether I asked them to or not. They held me when I needed it. Every. Single. Time. I didn’t have to ask. I didn’t even have to look at them, they just knew. All of it came to an end so soon.
I don’t know where to start. Honestly, I don’t. I love keeping everyone in the loop with my adventure this year, but I’ve been so anxious to start writing a blog. I don’t know what to write about. So much has happened. The last month of the Race was probably the craziest month of my life. I have wanted to write a blog for a while, but I haven’t been able to write anything. I don’t have words or an explanation or any idea how to let you all in on exactly how I feel. As many of you probably know, all of the teams on the field right now with the World Race have been sent home due to the CoronaVirus. I woke up on Sunday morning and had a feeling in my stomach that we would no longer be on the field. About an hour after we ate breakfast, we sat down and were told that our trip would be cut short. We packed up right after that and prepared for leaving Thailand the next morning. I have kind of been in denial about it until this final plane ride to the U.S. as I realized just how real the goodbye will be.
I’m trying to find the Lord in the midst of constant chaos and the only thing the Lord has been telling me is to be still. What? Lord, what the heck? Be still? You’re joking. It feels like the world has thrown me in the water except I’m just tossing and turning in the waves and I can’t do anything to fix it. God taught me all of Ethiopia to cast all anxiety and worry and any burden I have and give it to him. I thought I had it down, but I obviously did not. I remember praying to God a couple of weeks ago and asked him to do whatever he has to do to help me grow and fully depend on him. I know, it was a bold prayer.
I don’t know what God’s plans are for me right now. I seriously don’t. I don’t know what this whole CoronaVirus means for my life at home or how it will play out in the world. I don’t know what I will do once I’m finally home or how I will handle all of the events that I haven’t fully let sink in yet. I am nervous. I am so excited to go home, believe me. I wanted to go home just to be able to be finally present (I wasn’t present where I was at with everything happening so far away). I wanted to go home and feel safe in my parent’s arms. Even with the greatness of finally sleeping in my own bed again, I’m nervous that the events of the past half year will all come flooding in at once. Guys, I’m leaving my family. Like, these people know how to love. They really freaking know how to love. From the casual talks at meals to the deep conversations in the middle of the night. Or even the times when there’s nothing to do during our nine hour layover so your squad mate grabs his hacky sack and you and a few others get into a circle and literally just hang out. The rawness of it all is coming to an end, and so much sooner than expected. I’m scared it’ll hit like a brick, but I am told to be still.
God’s telling me to just sit and rest, and I don’t like to just sit and rest. It’s not who I am. I always have something going on in my head for what has to get done or what to do. Sometimes I literally just walk around to do something instead of just sitting and trusting. In the midst of what many say is the world ending and in my mind the whole world is turning upside down, it’s all still in God’s hands. The biggest thing I learned on the race is how to give EVERYTHING up to God. All of it. I don’t want to leave this family I’ve made, especially now that I’m getting so close to them and learning so much from them. I don’t want to have to give up this season with them, but God says it’s okay. I’m coming home and I’m so nervous yet so excited for it. I don’t have any idea what my future holds or how I should feel or act or think, but God does. “Sweet Nat, just let me hold you. That’s all I want to do for you. I just want you to vacation with me this season. Rest in me. Be still. I’ve got it. You can’t say or do anything to change anything happening, it’s in my full control. I’m not juggling the situations in front of you, I’ve got them in my hands resting too. Come to me, I’ll be your rest when your world feels like it won’t stop. You’re not drowning in the waves, you’re actually dancing with me on top of them.”
Y’all, I’m going to be blunt. Just take it to God. I kind of just threw up a bunch of randomness on you, but it’s about as raw as it can get. My mind is spinning, but that’s what I have to say. Give it all up. Enough of the talk and the anxiousness and needing to always be figuring out how to gain better control on things. God will give you people and show you things that you never would’ve expected if you simply say yes and abide in him. I didn’t think I ever could’ve done this thing, but I did. Yes, it was cut short, but I still did it & I’m not done yet. This is just the beginning, but I wouldn’t have been able to have done it without the people in front of me or the way God provided it all. I’ve said it since the start. He is who He is no matter where I am. We all are in a season of uncertainty, but Gods still God and I am man. I am not capable of anything without trusting in Him and letting Him take hold of my heart.
Take that and do with it what you please, but that’s what I’ve got to say. I’m going to be okay because I have God to rest in. Thank you all so much for your prayers and love and support throughout this journey. I literally could not have done it without all of you by my side through all of it. Love you lots.
Prayer Requests:
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Good transitioning home for all of us that were on the field, it’s about to be crazy
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Health for everyone, baby!! Gods got it!!
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Ask the Lord, He knows what we all need better than we do 🙂
