I wasn’t going to write this blog. I actually wanted to write about what life in Guatemala is like, yet here I am. God broke down chains I didn’t really know I had up this week, thanks God. I was sitting in a session on Thursday, and the speaker, Gabe, was talking about character. I went into the session expecting God to break me or show me so much, but as Gabe continued to talk, I did not get really anything out of it. I began to get frustrated with myself for not hearing anything from God. Like, really frustrated. I thought I was shutting my heart out to Him and wasn’t listening to what He had for me. As I sat there, I kept praying and asking God to convict me of any wrong in my life and how to better myself. Through that, I heard God telling me, “You are okay. There is nothing you need to fix except to be still and know that I will teach you when you need to be taught.” In my head, I just grew more frustrated with myself because I thought I was talking to myself and was blocking my heart from God. I listened to Gabe and wrote down so much. All of it was good, yet none of it ever had me convicted. I wish I could describe how frustrated I was with myself. Guys, I’m not kidding you, I was so angry at my heart for “not accepting” what was being said.
As we went into a time of worship and many went forward to the front, I sat in my chair and prayed more. I kept thinking to myself, “What is going on? I seriously have no idea what’s happening, and I am very overwhelmed. What’s wrong with me? Why is God not speaking? How do I get myself to open up to what He has for me?” I then thought about my Bible and picked it up. I prayed a prayer asking God to show me something in the scripture of how to fix myself, how to open my heart, anything to hear from Him on what I need to learn. Nothing. I got nothing. I closed my Bible and my heart just ached for more, so I decided to stand up and worship anyways. I was reminded of Job and how Job did not hear from God and felt so alone, yet he still loved the Lord and worshiped Him.
As I stood there, still frustrated with myself for not having my heart open, I was tapped on the shoulder. Mae, one of the staff members at the base here, spoke words of such encouragement from the Lord to me. She talked about how I am good at meeting people where they are at, but I forget who I am in the process. I meet them where they are at so much that I forget to lead in that. She told me to be free and to stop being afraid of what people think of me. God revealed to me the chains that have been on my feet that I didn’t even realize were there until today.
I struggled in high school to be what people wanted me to be so that I could hopefully minister to them at some point. I would let them walk all over me and treat me however they wanted if that meant I could somehow show them the love of the Father. I could not tell you how many times people would tell me I need to stop being this way or stop being that way, or that I need to act a certain way or do a certain thing to be heard. I always, always, always listened to what they said, took it in, and changed myself to fit their standards. At first, this was not out of any insecurities, but simply because I did not want people to think of me as an annoying and oblivious christian. The enemy took that and made it many insecurities. Now, I realize that the enemy was so good at this that any time anyone would say anything that may lead to me not being liked or seen as equal to them, I would shut right down. This has even affected me on the race with my team. They are so full of love, yet any time any of my ideas weren’t considered, or any time someone said anything to make me feel even a little small, I took it to an extreme.
I used to not be someone easily affected by what people say, but this insecurity took full root in my life and I just figured something was wrong with me. I knew that I wasn’t the same person that I used to be, and that frustrated me so much. I never felt good about who I am as a leader, ever. God reminded me, through Mae, that I am a leader and that I can freely jump if I want to jump or dance if I want to dance. Yes, I am good at meeting people where they are at, but so much so that the enemy took that and made it into me not being who God made me to be. I now feel so free in knowing that I don’t have to worry about the person standing next to me or what they are feeling, I can be myself and still meet them where they are at. God created me the way I am to share His joy and love, not to accommodate to whatever people want me to be for them. This is still obviously all new, and I know I will still struggle with it for a little bit, but I am so excited to be the free person I used to be before I let people determine who I am.
At the end of each of my blogs I will do a prayer request list. This is just for those of you that want to actively be praying over me, my team, and the country I am in. Thank You!!
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Pray for the gangs in Guatemala to change their hearts and ways
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Pray for health in Guatemala and my squad in general
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Safety for the missionaries
Another Side Note: Thank you all for your comments on my blog, I read them all and they help me, and encourage me the most. I am so so so blessed.
