Just a quick disclaimer before I really get started. I lived sixteen years of my life before I personally encountered Jesus. Each day I thank him for rescuing me when he did because I have never been the same since. But that was still sixteen years of pain and sin that I inflicted to my own heart as I lived out my fleshly desires. There were scars in my life that needed to be examined at the foot of the cross. Things that only Jesus could heal. Mountains only he could move. If I could adequately articulate the significance of the events that took place this month in Swaziland I would, but I’m not sure I can. But there is such power in testimony, so I’ll try my best.
Swaziland taught me that community heals. Rather, that community dedicated to loving others as Jesus first loved us heals scars that run deep. This past month in Swaziland, God had me positioned in a community that loved me like Jesus loves me. And whether they know it or not, their love for me was something that the Lord used in a profound way to heal scar tissue on my heart that I thought was healed a long time ago. The more that we allow Jesus to heal in our hearts, the more prepared we are to pour out selflessly into the community we find ourselves in.
For as long as I can remember, the fear of man was of utmost consequence to me. If I’m being completely and totally transparent here, man’s opinion of me was something that I idolized. It was something that I chased after. It was something that I fought to attain. At the root of my heart, I truly believe that this lust for affirmation came from a lack of understanding in who I was as a daughter of Christ. For a long time, I knew that there were thoughts and patterns in my life that didn’t honor Christ. Craving man’s affirmation above the Lord’s was something that I knew was wrong and I knew was of my flesh. Battling that desire, however, was something that I could only do with the help of the Holy Spirit and a little hard work trying to align the actions of my life to the Word of God.
Swaziland was different. About one week into my time in Swaziland, I surrendered everything. Everything. My expectations for the race, the longing I experienced for man’s good opinion, my pain, my healing, and my fears. For the first time in my life, I chose that I would rather feel the pain of change than to stay complacent where I was. And then, I saw God wreck my world, move mountains, and fight the battle FOR me. He aligned encounters with those in my community to teach me that I am accepted and loved because of WHO I am. Not in SPITE of who I am.
Two weeks into our ministry in Swazi, our whole squad spent time seeking the Lord’s face. Desiring to hear his voice and know his will for our Squad. I heard the Lord so clearly call me to a life of reckless abandon. And by reckless abandon, I do not mean getting face to face with spiders the size of a saucer or getting spur of the moment tattoos. Both of which are things I happened to do (sorry mom). But I rather mean living a life of reckless abandonment for Christ. Recklessly abandoned in the best way.
I’m learning to allow myself to live life with an understanding of who I am as a child of God. Without thinking about what people will think about me, I have begun to experience the richness and authenticity of community like I never have before. In a matter of weeks, God brought me from hiding in my room to playing softball out in the open. I sucked at softball. I actually even threw the game away for my team. But I enjoyed being my quirky self out there. And the people in this body of Christ with me enjoyed it too.
And that was the fear of man’s opinion of me. But in my life, fear of man has run much deeper.
It’s hard to talk about this now because the Lord has shifted my perspective so much. But chief of the things the Lord has taught me is that when we bring things into the light, he is able to heal us so much deeper than when we conceal the struggles we have walked through. So this is me bringing as much as I can into the light. In the past, I was heavily involved in a relationship that was extremely emotionally manipulative and abusive. The result of this relationship is that I began to seek out additional abusive situations and relationships. Although I truly believe that I have been healed, it recently came to my attention that there was a lot of bitterness and resentment I carried towards men that I hadn’t released yet. So the prospect of heading into our “all-squad” month intimidated and scared me. As a defense mechanism, I would think negatively towards men to make myself feel safer around them. I was convinced all squad month would be horrible, and all I had to do was survive for a month to make it out into my comfort zone.
Thankfully, we worship a God who isn’t content to just watch us survive. He wants to see us thrive and knows exactly where to position us and push us to see us do just that. For me, that meant that I needed to live in an environment with brothers in Christ who pursue him first and love him with all their hearts. I could tell countless stories of the attributes of God that I saw in them, but I would be here all day and this is already a long post. So I will just recount the moment that stands out to me the most.
It was a night of spiritual warfare. The enemy was attacking us with disunity, discouragement, despair, and deeper spiritual attacks. I was walking and talking with a friend and felt it on my heart to pray. We sat down near the base of the cross that serves as a reminder to the community in Nsoko of the hope of the love of Jesus. We began to pray in the name of Jesus and take authority and victory over the events of the day. And as we continued to walk, I witnessed something that changed my perspective forever. All of the men on our squad were standing at the cross, declaring life and truth over our squad, our ministry compound, the body of Christ, and the entire country of Swaziland. It was one of the most beautiful displays of faith and love that I have ever witnessed. As the night of worship and prayer wound down, the boys decided that as an act of service and love to make us feel safe, that they were going to fast sleep and pray at the doors to our rooms all night.
There was huge importance in what they did. I truly believe that even if for no other reason, that God may have placed that on their hearts to destroy the last bit of the wall of distrust and distaste I held for men. In a space where I had previously felt threatened and unsafe, God used them to teach me that I could be comforted and protected. Where I felt judged and rejected, God used them to teach me that I could be fully known, yet fully loved and accepted.
A scripture that became of the utmost importance to me became is Romans 15:6. It declares that “with one mind and one voice you may glorify the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ.” As the body of Christ, we are made up of people from all different backgrounds, denominational affiliations, generations, and opinions. We are called to live in unity as the body both young and old, black and white, man and woman. We worship the same God. We have been washed clean with the same blood and the greatest privilege that we have in this life is that we get to declare his glory with the same mind and same voice, both man and woman.
So if I could wrap up the lessons the Lord sweetly taught me this month, I would say I learned to live in freedom from the fear of man. Fear of man’s opinion, and also freedom from the fear of men that was hardening my heart. Our God is all together and totally good. And he will always and forever continue to be. Therefore, with confidence, I declare over myself that by his grace I will know him more at the end of my next month than I do now and I can’t imagine myself desiring anything more than I do his heart.
