To say that this summer is going by in a flash would be
quite the understatement. I feel like it was just last week that my sweet
friend Nella was picking me up from my parents house at 4:45am to head to the
airport, and just yesterday that I was moving into George Washington
University, which has been my home nearly the last two months.
When traveling like this, I tend to always naively think
“man, I am going to learn so much about what it is like to work out there…to
work with these people…to get to know that culture…” what have you. It is always this idea that I am going to learn
a lot about outside things; things about where I am going. You think I would
know by now that these journeys typically pull you to do more self discovery
than you bargained for. When you take
too close a look, it really aint pretty. The beautiful thing is though, that I
have Jesus who covers my sin, who covers my transgressions and because I have
surrendered my life to Him, He views me as spotless. I am so incredibly
thankful for His undeserved grace. That being said, there is still a lot of
junk that Jesus and I need to work on in my heart and in my life.
Few things that have been highlighted to me this summer: I
am selfish as all get out. I state my opinion frequently without much of a
filter – a.k.a. I offend people without even realizing it; I am an incredibly
self critical perfectionist and I project that onto others; I am reactionary,
and within minutes of my awful reaction I am internally crucifying myself; I
struggle to use tact when I speak truth, especially when I forget that not everyone
takes criticism so well; I do things that in the moment just come out, that
upon later reflection don’t fully know why I do them. I am sure you have heard the verse:
“For what I am doing, I do not understand; for I am not
practicing what I would like to do, but I am doing the very thing I hate.”
Yike, is this verse more real to me now than ever before!
Now, I don’t want you to think I wrote this blog as a self
deprecating entry, that is not my heart at all. I am doing quite well
actually. It is a beautiful journey the
Lord has me on, and He is really teaching me some of the depths of His
grace. Grace is not a term or mindset
that I am the most comfortable with; I have never really got it. To think that the Creators grace is for me
makes sense in my head, but as cheesy as it is, struggled to grasp in my
heart. You see, being a moral
perfectionist, I don’t understand how an amazing, perfect, Sovereign, Father
could see my sin and choose to give me grace.
I mean, I get it, but I don’t fully get it; you know what I mean? 🙂 Confusing
I know.
Something that God really spoke to me while in New Jersey
going for an early morning walk with Jesus, was “Are you willing to travel the unknown
road to follow me?”
Yes Jesus. I am raw, and I am ready to follow you!
I don’t know what job I will have/pursue/take/apply for when I get home, I don’t know what state let alone what house I will be living in when I get home, I don’t know what you are calling me to right now, I don’t know what you have for me tomorrow….all I know is you call me to be your daughter, to abide in you, to pray without ceasing, to have your joy, and most of all to love You and love others, so that’s what I am going to do. I am ready for what you have for my life, even if the road ahead looks scary, I am yours, and I am willing to go where you lead.
