You know those moments when you feel your gut being ripped out of your stomach; when you feel so helpless you can’t even speak? Well I didn’t until two weeks ago.
This blog is long, but it is real and raw and lets you see into my current struggles. Praying it in the end blesses you, shows you how good God is, and as you see God work out some of the craziness in my own mind, perhaps He will give you a nudge with your life too.
I had been through a traumatic event in 2010 when my team and I experienced a human size washing machine in the form of a rolling 15-passenger van, but even then I felt God’s comfort and peace through it.
You can read about that story here, but this was an entirely different story if you care to read on.
So for those of you that I am acquainted with or have followed my blog at all, you know that back in June I was supposed to lead a trip to Thailand. However, two day before we were planned to leave I strongly felt God was saying to not go. God speaking it or not it seemed like it was not the wisest choice to continue as I would be leading the trip with a wonderful man, but that wonderful man and I were breaking up. Having grown such a huge heart for my team and being thrilled to go back to Thailand and see some of the same kids and contacts (I had been there on my World Race a few years earlier) I was heartbroken, but I knew it was best so I stepped down.
Thankfully the mission’s pastor, Mike McDonald, had set up that if we broke up I would not go and my ex would lead it; and so that’s what happened. It hurt, I was incredibly sad, but I knew in full confidence it is what God had.
This time was different.
This time it wasn’t my choice.
If you read my last two blogs you will notice that a) this has been a rough few months for me, and b) I was headed to India for Christmas. I had been contacting a number of friends via email, phone calls, texts, and sweet friends coming over to my house to pray over me before I left. Honestly these past four or so months have been quite taxing. Why? Well, new job, roommate changes, having to leave my women’s groups (because my job location changed), my weekly morning mentorship meetings ended, my time with God in the morning was harder to get in as long since I started my job hours earlier than my last, a few dear friends who I normally turn to have been going through a lot themselves…basically all these areas where I was being fed had either ended, dispersed or were not currently an option. I ignored it for a while because I told myself “Natalie, all you are is thinking about yourself and what you don’t have, you should be able to get all of that from God, it isn’t good you are worshipping those things.” However, looking back, I wasn’t worshipping them, those were just ways God had blessed me and was pouring into me in that season, but now that season had changed. Anyway, back to India.
Friday evening, quite exhausted, I was finishing up packing. Two of my friends had come over to hang out and keep me company while I packed. I was getting close to being done when I realized my passport was not in its usual spot. Not panicking yet, I looked in the only other place I would ever keep it…and it wasn’t there…now I panicked. You know when you lose something and you get that feeling ‘Oh, it has got to be around here somewhere, I just know it. I simply misplaced it. Ok, where is the last place I saw it?’. Well, I didn’t have that feeling. A deep pit knotted itself up in my stomach and I knew it was gone. For the next 5-7 hours we looked frantically. The night included my two friends, my roommate and her sister, and my brother and his girlfriend ransacking my house and car; my family tearing apart their house, my aunt and uncle tearing apart their house; setting off the alarm at my company since I didn’t know how to turn it off; a sweet friend going in the middle of the night to check the church; a phone call to the police to see if they found it; a friend coming over around 1am to come pray and look…nothing. I felt sick, hopeless, and like an absolute failure.
At about 11:30pm I called another girl from my team to see if she would lead the trip. She was a little taken back but she stepped up to the plate. To just show how cool God is, she had already been prepping to be a leader as she had offered to stay back and come late with a girl who was having trouble getting her India visa (but that girl unfortunately was not able to come as the India Embassy did not release it in time, so thankfully we did not change her flight after all). When I asked AnnaChristie if she would help this girl and bring her later she told me “I do not know why God called me to this trip but He clearly did, and I feel like He called me to be here for the team”. Little did she know it would become the team she would lead.
After getting to bed around 2am, I woke up at 5am to talk to the mission coordinator and meet with the raised up leader at the airport for the fastest ever mission trip leadership crash course. With absolute full confidence in her and the team, I told them I would not be joining them, let them know AnnaChristie would be stepping up, through tears attempted to say something encouraging and sent them on their way. Praise God there was another leader. For those worried Mom’s out there, they made it there totally safe and I have heard the team is doing fabulously. They should actually be getting on a plane to head home in a little over 12 hours from now.
(to read about the lessons learned, continue to part 2).
