Haiti in a blog? Truthfully, you can’t. But let’s give it a whorl.
I have been wanting to blog for a while, but have been
discouraged by the overwhelming amount of
information/realizations/experiences/feelings/emotions/and the vast number of
thoughts going through my head. But I am going to try to give it a whorl, so
hold tight, this may be a confusing ride for you dedicated readers.
First of all, a shout out is in order for the awesome people
I have met at the Mission of Hope compound. Thank you for the warm welcoming Massachusetts
team. It was fun being able to hang out with you after you having been able to
hang out with Hindsfeet. Thank you to Kim and Janina, two of our awesome squad
leaders, for coming and pouring into our team. Also, thank you to Bernard and
his group, Paul and Andy, Alec and Karen, Mike and Jim, Marcus and Michelle,
and the WordFM crew. You all SPOILED us! Not just with all of your generosity
with the tangibles, but you truly spoiled us with your company. The love you
all exude, your hardworking attitudes, and how much stinking fun you all were.
I truly love, and will miss you all!
Alright, back to some of the overwhelming thoughts and such.
Haiti is a country with a lot of things that make you take pause. The 12 year
old naked kid nonchalantly walking down the street…not to mention the 40-year-old
from the other day; the 30 cows tied to a sidewalk of a busy street, the three
teens riding a motorcycle in the middle of the night with no headlight; our
transportation taking us on the beach and over a river to get to work in the
morning…talk about a rough ride; a lady breastfeeding while walking…now that’s
skill. Haiti is a beautiful country, a country that really makes you evaluate
your own ‘reality’.
When Janina and Kim came for their little visit, God had
some stuff up His sleeve for not only Team Transformers, but for me
specifically as well. There are a number
of things about myself I have been aware of for a while, but He has decided to
really bring them up this month and force me to deal with them. Some of them
include: how I need to not only love people, but actually show them; how God is
calling us all to be more Christ like every day, but I do not need to be so
hard on myself to get there…I can never be perfect; how because I am so hard on
myself, I am hard on other believers because I love watching people succeed…even
though if I don’t do it right they will feel the opposite of love. It is interesting
stuff let me tell you.
It’s this pattern, this cycle that you can see throughout my
life. With sports, grades, friends, extra-curricular activities, boyfriends…basically
everything…I am super hard on myself. If I couldn’t land a tumbling pass, it
ate at me. If I didn’t get an A in a class, it ate at me. If a friend and I were
fighting, it ate at me. If someone purposefully guilt tripped me…oh man, that
one is a doozy, it ate at me. If my Christian friend was struggling with
alcohol/sex/lying/whatever addiction, I would love them, but it would eat at me
because of the emptiness I have felt by seeking fulfillment in things that are
not God. I tend to take on other people’s burdens…just ask my Mom 🙂 Let’s be
real though, I still feel these things. This pressure to perform, almost an
attempt to be perfect, has been interwoven in my life for so long that I
sometimes forget it is there. The
hardest part is I have tried so hard, that when I do let my frustrations show
the most, it is usually taken out on those I love most. Jesus paid the penalty
for my sins; it’s not possible for me to ‘earn’ my way to Heaven, trying can
only make a person go crazy because it can never happen. I know I know, such an
‘early Christian life’ lesson, but for some reason I still fight it. God is
good and has been providing me with some awesome scripture.
“Yet we know that a person is made right with God by faith
in Jesus Christ, not by obeying the law� Galatians 2:16
“You died to the power of the law when you died with Christ.
And now you are united with the one who was raised from the dead. As a result, we can produce a harvest
of good deeds for God.� Romans 7:4 -not the other way around
“But if I didn’t love others, I would be nothing� 1 Corinthians
13:2b —not only love them, but SHOW I love them.
all of that. Then again, if you do, God calls us to be humble and vulnerable,
and vulnerable is something I am not good at…so take it as you wish : )
God is so good, He covers all of this ‘stuff’. It will continue to be an
uphill battle if I try to do it myself.
God thank you for how awesome you are. How much you love us
even when we are so ridiculous. Lord I believe you can do all things. Please
help me. Help me turn this mountain to climb into a valley to run down and
towards the person you have for me to be. Amen
