Fair warning: I’m not going to do NEARLY enough justice to this topic to warrant only this one post on the subject – but it’s extremely relevant to what’s going on in my life currently. And so I’m going to stumble through it with the intention of revisiting this topic again at a later date.
For the last week or so, I’ve really been struggling with this concept of “grace”. Prior to this point of time in my life, I could have probably given you some kind of definition for “grace” and perhaps even rattled off a Bible verse or two containing the word. But honestly, I’ve never really had to struggle through it. In my head, I totally understood that we are saved by the grace of God and through His grace and mercy, I have hope for my purpose and future. But in my heart, grace was always just a given – something received upon salvation that shouldn’t really be fretted over (and please don’t misunderstand me – I don’t mean that I wasn’t grateful, but that there wasn’t really anything I could add to the whole process – so I figured I’d just leave “well enough” alone).
But that’s all been changing. You see, God has really taken a hold of my hand through the last couple of weeks and has started me down the path of unpacking the baggage I carry around regarding my parents’ divorce. He has been so good to me – only giving me what I’m able to handle right now and leading me in such a way that I don’t feel poked at or prodded – He’s allowing me to walk down this road at the perfect pace and only letting me discover the next step as I’m finally coming to terms with the previous one. The part that absolutely kills me – I don’t deserve it. At all. Like – not even a little bit. In fact, I really should just be tossed down into the pit of it all and be forced to claw my way back out again. Because that’s how I tried to force my family and anyone else around me to handle it – my hurt, my anger, my bitterness. Between bouts of screaming and crying and harsh words and slammed doors, I never really gave either of my parents any opportunity to explain – and no one could possibly understand what I was going through so why bother letting them try, right?
But after years of wallowing in my self-pity, God has brought me to a place where He has spoken truth into my heart and allowed me to see some things more clearly. He’s placed it on my heart to reconcile my relationship with my family. And so there I was on Saturday morning, talking to my mom – telling her how sorry I was for all the hurtful things that I had said in anger, for all the distance I’d put between us over the years, for all the blame that I had laid at her feet. I only wanted to ask for her forgiveness in the hope that we could just start over and begin rebuilding.
“There’s nothing to forgive. You’re mine.”
And just like that, grace is poured out all over me. And I’m so undeserving of it.
“But if it is by grace, it is no longer on the basis of works, otherwise grace is no longer grace.” – Rom. 11:6
I wasn’t able to make it through worship on Sunday morning. The sermon the previous week had been titled “Finding Grace” (gotta love His perfect timing, huh?) so a couple of the songs this past weekend continued to bring that message forward. Since I was still struggling with the grace my mom had shown me the previous day, I ended up walking out in the middle of one of the songs. It’s called “Great Are You Lord” and it’s sung by All Sons and Daughters.
“You bring light to the darkness. You give hope, You restore every heart that is broken. And great are You Lord.”
Those lyrics grabbed me right where I was. I picked up my Bible and walked downstairs to an empty room – just so I could have an opportunity to just be alone with my thoughts and emotions. I didn’t want to believe that I was truly forgiven. Surely there had to be some kind of process, whereby I would be forgiven bit by bit. Or there would be at least weeks of reparation to pay for the pain I had caused for years. I cried out to God in frustration – I didn’t understand this feeling – this inability to just let it go. And I didn’t understand where I was supposed to go from here. But in that quiet time alone, He gently reminded me that none of this – the pain, the grace, the struggle, the frustration – none of it came as a surprise to Him. He knew this exact moment and He was going to continue to walk me through it. He’s been there – He knows. And in the middle of my tears, THAT was something for which I could absolutely praise Him! He is so good!
“For we do not have a high priest who cannot sympathize with our weaknesses, but One who has been tempted in all things as we are, yet without sin. Therefore, let us draw near with confidence to the throne of grace, so that we may receive mercy and find grace to help in time of need.” – Heb. 4:15-16
I’ll close by saying that I’m no where near the end of the road on this. It’s going to take time. But day by day – I learn a little more. God is using it as an opportunity to reveal more of Himself and His character to me – and with prayer, and patience, and support from all of those who love on me (as well as showing myself some grace), I know He will mend my broken heart and restore the relationship with my family.
For His glory,
Nat
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