This is part 3 of a 4 part series.
Part 1: Feeling the Call
Part 2: Hearing the Call
When I got home from Haiti, I knew pretty immediately that I had the bug. I had never taken myself for one of those impulsive sell-all-my-stuff-and-become-a-missionary kind of people – and yet there I found myself. It’s not like I was breaking down and crying every time I was able to take a shower or flush the toilet – but my first re-entry process was tougher that I expected it to be to say the least. Gone was the old Natalie – the crazy, competitive “go-getter”; the ambitious, corporate-ladder-climbing networking maniac. It’s not that I suddenly considered these characteristics to be inherently evil – I just didn’t care to use them the way I had been before. My heart was no longer in it. The drive and the desire to be the first to the top just didn’t exist anymore. I did the best that I could to try to cover up my change of heart – to be able to “save face” at work – but about a month after I got back, my boss had to ask me to try to snap out of it. And honestly, I couldn’t really blame her. The person that came back from Haiti was NOT the same person they had hired 18 months ago.
I ended up going back to Haiti a short two and a half months later. It was somewhat of a knee-jerk reaction – I was still trying to figure out how to adjust from my first trip when the next one was offered up as an opportunity. All I knew was that I wanted – NEEDED – to go back. When I got back from the second trip, I was able to settle back in a little easier but the ache was still there. I couldn’t necessarily put my finger on it at that point but I knew that there was something much bigger at work in my life and that I was going to need to spend some time taking a closer look at it. After all, I knew I didn’t have the vacation time or money to be able to head to Haiti anytime I was feeling a little empty. It was after this second trip that I remember sitting at work, lost in thought and asking myself all kinds of questions – ones that I had never really contemplated before: “Am I really spending my one life on Earth in the best way possible? Am I living out God’s best plan for my life? Have I really given over everything to God? Am I allowing Him to completely direct my life – or am I just trying to make God fit into the plan I have for myself?”
The last question was the one that REALLY got to me – because in some part of my mind, I KNEW (even with the limited amount of church attendance throughout my life) that I wasn’t the main character in the story. But I had never really tried to actually wrap my mind around it. Because of this, neither my heart nor my actions had never really made the transition into the whole-hearted belief that MY ENTIRE EXISTENCE was all part of God’s story – His plan and design; not mine. Upon coming back from Haiti, it was like the switch had been flipped in my brain. But I still didn’t know what to do about this newfound light that had suddenly flooded my pathway. So I did what any reasonable person would do in this situation: I Googled it.
I should explain that I continue to work on the order in which I do things. For 22 years, if I had some kind of a problem or issue, I consulted myself first. I just put it on my back and tried to run with it. Even now, I catch myself trying to solve my own problems instead of asking God about it first. So yes, I went to Google first. Shame on me. But it didn’t take me too long until I realized my error and made my way to God with all these questions (because of course only God could answer the questions He Himself had laid upon my heart):
‘God, I don’t understand this. I was perfectly happy with my life before I went to Haiti – and now, here I am, back from Haiti and suddenly dissatisfied with my life, and I have all this credit card debt and…’
And…?
‘And I don’t understand why you would put all of these things on my heart, only for me to realize that I’m incapable of doing anything about it right now! I have all this credit card debt – and I’m working on paying it off – but it’s going to take another 8 months! Why are you doing this to me?’
My Beloved Natalie – I will personally see you through this. I have opened up your eyes because I have a plan for your life – I have prepared work for you – made especially for you. But I do not want you to walk in this work merely out of impulse – but out of obedience to Me. My timing is perfect. I want you to lean into Me, to dig deeper – to know Me and understand My story and purpose from the dawn of Creation.
‘Lord – as You know, my hands are tied. Even if I wanted to act impulsively, I couldn’t. Stupid credit cards. Stupid me for getting into credit card debt in the first place. If I am being kept here by You right now, then please help me to be productive in this time. God – please give me an avenue – a way to lean into you and learn more about you. Please give me something that will fill this desire to learn how to live a life for Your kingdom and glory. Show me a way to prepare myself for Your plans as I continue to pay off this stupid credit card debt. Otherwise, I think I might go crazy.’
It was about two months later (through Google!) that God brought me to Perspectives class.
