So it’s been a while since I have posted much of anything at all, but suppose it’s about time.
The end of the race was not what you consider a piece of pie, but definitely something that taught me things beyond what I could’ve ever learned if pie it was that I was eating. The Lord taught me so much about friendships, myself, past hurts that were still affecting me, greater vulnerability, and His grace in the essence of what grace really is. I walked through fire, though I was not burned. I walked through the flood, yet did not drown. I am extremely thankful for the hardships in life, for it’s those times I can look back and pinpoint to be the catalytic moments in my walk with the Lord. He is so good to allow me to walk through things that will grow me in ways that will only bring more and more glory to Him.
Coming home and thrown back into the American life was a little harder than I expected. After all I didn’t fall into the category of coming home to no community, no church, and no supportive Christian family. Actually, quite the opposite – I was coming home to the greatest of friends that I have left, and even more that I heard about and was anxiously awaiting to meet and foster a relationship with them. I was coming home to a church that seriously has been an incredible deposit into my life and that I had missed almost more than anything while I was gone. My family, don’t even get me started – seriously the most incredible people I know who love Jesus and support me so well.
Surely, I thought before coming home, with all of that – Of course, it would be an easy transition. Well even with the best of circumstances, I can sit here and tell you today that it hasn’t been easy. As my close friends from the race would text me there home situations and lack of Godly support, I suddenly felt guilty and unable to express how hard things were for me because I had everything they were wanting – and still wasn’t happy.
I came home to a room that was mine and mine alone. A big bed that racers would cram 4 people in. I cried myself to sleep night after night wondering if these feelings would ever go away. I also woke up several times not knowing where I was. I went to church to find out that there were many more faces that I didn’t know than the few that I did. I would sit through conversation and not have a word to say or how to relate to the things that have been going on in the news. It appeared that all I was hearing was gossip and drama, that wasn’t tolerated for 11 months in the world race culture or due to a lack of being plugged in with everything, just naturally didn’t happen. I was stuck at a place I call home, with no feelings of truly being home, rather feelings of “I don’t belong.” I felt the most uncomfortable. I felt awkward with little things to say and like no one understood or got me. I was overwhelmed with options of what to eat and the idea that I could take a bath whenever I wanted. I didn’t know what was okay and what wasn’t anymore. I felt completely removed from those I loved most and not sure how to just jump back in. Some days were emotionless and somedays I would laugh, cry, and be angry all at once and not know how to deal with the glass case I was in.
Not only did I physically feel misplaced with a roller coaster of emotions, I didn’t realize how tired I was from the journey I had just been on. All I wanted to do was sleep, which has never been the case for me. In this new behavior, I couldn’t help but to question, “What is wrong with me?” I was having migraines everyday, lightheaded, and dizzy. This had become my life and was definitely not something that I was thrilled about. In my discontentment, I started to think more and more about how I missed the race, the faces, the different cultures, being surrounded by community all the time, not needing a car, living the life of simplicity and so much peace.
With the help of the Lord, I quickly realized that that was the old normal. That the season was over and that in order to move on I would have to find my new normal and not compare the two or I would spend my time focusing on the past and allow my present and future slip between my very own fingers.
As everyone warned, I was hit with the question, “Well, what’s next?” At one point, I was secure in answering this question as I had planned for over 5 months to leave again in September to squad lead again. This was easy. Well after a series of events and some tough conversations, it was decided against. So here I am, not even a week at home, and my plans crashed down upon my head. I had no clue and quickly realized that’s what God wanted for me, not to be crushed, but to be given the opportunity to trust Him more. Then he revealed to me that there hasn’t been a time in my life that He did not reveal to me what was next within a couple of years in advance. Now was the time to learn to trust Him in this area.
The Lord then brought me back to a vision that I had in Zambia at one of the church services – I was walking down this pathway and I was reaching for something and the Lord was holding my hand and pulling me back from whatever I was reaching for, which was not clarified in the dream. As we kept walking I never grasped hold of what I was reaching for and He looked down at me and said, “Natalie, I have kept you.”
So as I struggled and fought doubts, fears, insecurities, and wanting to take control, I finally was able to accept that He has a plan for me and it’s great – and not only is it great, but it’s better than what I want and He does not disappoint even when I don’t know in advance what that is.
Because I’m not leaving again, I have ran my mind wild trying to conjure up the idea would I ever leave again? where to work, when to start, how to save up for a car, and the endless possibilities of it all together.
After much prayer, fasting, and words from the Lord, I do know that I will be staying here in Lubbock for as long as I can see in the future. At first, that was a hard truth to grasp onto, but he has opened my eyes to see the purpose and since then has given me confirmation after confirmation that it’s Him speaking and doing. It has now become an excitement game of anticipation to see what the Lord has for me.
So with that I was praying about what it looks like now. Should I go back to the bank? Should I work part-time or full-time? Should I try something knew? I was unsure.
Then the Lord told me to just be still and not move until He directs. So here I am, almost home for 3 months and still have no clear direction, but I am okay with it and it’s awesome to be able to say that.
Rather than seeing this time as a bad thing, it has become a precious gift to me. A time of not having a lot to do, but simply rest, find His peace within His plans, and do things I wouldn’t have ever gotten to do otherwise.
I have traveled to see many of my world race family, friends, and now about to meet my half sister and niece for the first time ever and when I get back, it’ll be the time in which I find out what’s next if that’s when He leads.
But let me just tell you that he has provided for me this whole time – countless random checks have come in the mail from great supporters of mine and from retirement accounts from over a year ago that I totally forgot about. I have come to the conclusion that I don’t want to take a step, just to be taking a step, but if I take it – I want it to be directed by Him and in His timing. In that I am covered by His blessing and His promised provision.
So when you wonder or ask, “What’s next?” I’ll let you know as soon as I do. Whatever it is, I am pumped, excited, and ready to entirely dive into my new normal!!!
Also, because many of people have asked – – the plan was and still is to get something together for all of my supporters to come to and learn what God taught me throughout the race and things He did. Along with videos, pictures, and answering any direct questions that you may have. However, when I got back to America, my computer crashed and am working on ways around that minor issue to still make it happen – I will keep you updated on the status of that. Again, your support through prayers and finances is truly the only way to have made the dream of doing the race become my reality.
I also will be continuing to blog, but probably will get a new blogging site, so stay tuned for that as well.
Thank you in the most sincere way!
