I haven’t had a relaxer since December 2013. Truth is I got lazy and just didn’t feel like paying for it. Then I was accepted to the All Asia Route on World Race. I figured it would be best to “go natural”. Knowing that there are multiple ways to transition I chose a protective hair style…The Weave. Since, this was the first weave I’d ever had; I picked a bob with bangs and looked super cute 😛
I’d had my weave in for about 2 months and decided it was time to take it out and pick a new style. I made an appointment for a wash and rod set (if your not a chocolate woman, you may not know what any of this means…That’s OK, I didn’t either until I started this process). Friday night I had a date with my seem ripper. It took me about 2 hours to get all of the weave out and another hour to get the braiding hair removed. I brushed it out and went to bed.
Saturday morning I headed to the salon to meet my stylist Zee. I sat down for a quick consult before heading to the wash basin. While she was washing my hair we chatted about why I want to transition and how amazing my trip is going to be. Somewhere in the middle of the 3rd shampoo Zee gets quiet….
“I’m going to condition you and let it sit for a few minutes.”
Ok, whatever. I think nothing of it. Seems pretty normal right?!?! She comes back 15 minutes later and starts picking at my hair…
“Are you tender headed?”
“No, why?”
That’s when the pulling and yanking began. My hair had become tangled and matted at some point during the shampoo process (I hear this can happen if all the shedding hair hasn’t been removed first). Zee attempted to untangle my hair for about an hour. More conditioner, sit under the steamer…yank yank, pull pull. Another stylist came over to try and help. All the options I had an hour and a half earlier went down the drain with the last of the conditioner. Tears began to roll down my cheeks. My head was tender & my heart was broken. It was the moment I realized the knots and tangles weren’t going to come out. My pride let me sit there with the yanking and pulling for another 30 minutes.
Mind you, my hair has never made it past my shoulders, yet there was a subconscious status associated with it. I loved my hair…most days. It was soft and healthy. I’d held on the hope that the tangles were going to come out for over an hour. But with every passing stylist asking if I’d thought about the “big chop” I knew it wasn’t good.
Still crying I told my stylist…”Just take it”
With every snip of the scissors I felt more drained and less than. If I wasn’t worthy before I really wasn’t now. I told Zee…”I’m feeling like Samson.” Pieces of my identity were laying in my lap. I’d officially given up.
I sent a picture to my family. My sister text back …“You’re so brave!!!”
I wasn’t feeling brave, not even a little. I wasn’t happy, I wasn’t sad, just numb and empty. Going home to sit by myself wasn’t an option. Throwing a pity party takes energy and I just didn’t have any. I spent the night at my friend Lici’s. She’d been telling me how much she loved my hair all night. I still wasn’t feeling it. I was still “Less Than”.
While gathering my things so I could leave for church Lici blocked my exit from the bathroom. She made me look in the mirror.
Lici: “Repeat after me. I am Beautiful”
Me: What are you talking about?
Lici: “Say it”
Me: I am beautiful (mumbling and looking at her)
Lici: Don’t look at me, Look at you. Again…I am Beautiful
Me: I am Beautiful
Lici: I am Strong
Me: I am Strong
Lici: I am Confident
Me: I am working on being confident
Lici: Then be confident & Say it
Me: I am Confident
Lici: I am Bold
Me: I am Bold
Lici: I am Beautiful
Me: I AM Beautiful
My eyes were burning and my skin was on fire. I wanted to bolt, but my exit was blocked. All I could do was look at my self, really look at myself. Like seeing myself for the first time in a long time. When was the last time I really looked at me?? When was the last time I affirmed myself???
I left the house a few inches taller than I’d been the day before. My hair decacle is just another puzzle piece in my Jesus Journey.
Samson may have been the strongest man ever, but he got it from God. When he lost his hair/strength due to a sinful lifestyle, God chose to restore his strength anyway. When Samson realized he couldn’t do it on his own, he let God use him for a greater purpose. I had to relinquished what little control I thought I had. I don’t know what’s next, but I do know that God will use me for something Awesome.
Create a clean heart in me Lord. Loosed me from the evil spirits of Fear, Procrastination, Selfishness and Low Self Worth. Replace these lies with the truth of Love, Confidence, Humility and fill me with the Holy Spirit. Show me my next step and continue to mold me into the woman you’ve created me to be…Amen.
