Amad
For the month on October I was in Nepal. The ministry we worked with started every day with Amad. I honestly don’t remember what the true meaning is, but to me it became resting prayer. We were encouraged to find a spot away from everyone else and just sit with God. We could pray, read our Bible, worship, etc. The first 2 days as soon as I found my corner I fell asleep. I asked my contact “How do you keep from falling asleep?” Completely serious he said, ‘Put your Bible in front of your face and read.’ I thought, well crap, I’ve already tried that. At the time I didn’t know he was joking, but a few days later he brought my question up to the squad. This time his answer was a little different. He said that resting and sleep are still considered worship. This is the time that God gives many of us visions and dreams. He is happy to spend this time with us.
Tears of Joy???
This past month God has been showing me why it’s important to say yes. A little background… I’ve been a “crier” for as long as I can remember. I cried pretty much everyday in high school. I thought it was normal until I told one of my friends and she laughed saying “not even a little bit”. Well, damn! I think that’s the moment I started to feel bad…self conscious about my tears. I began to view myself as weak and weird.
Nepal was a month of tears and all my feelings of inadequacy, worthlessness, loneliness, and weakness surfaced. I didn’t want to cry in front of others. I really didn’t want to cry anymore period. I found that I’m a high feeler (Myers Briggs Feeler 19-Thinker 1 out of 20) and last month it was more than I was able to handle. We had multiple vulnerability nights and each one left me emotionally drained. Feeling the hurt, anger, and fear coming off of others was too much.
There was one night where anyone who had issues with their dad were called to the front. It absolutely broke my heart to see how many men and women on our squad stepped up. I’ve never been so angry in my life. It wasn’t fair. Why couldn’t everyone have awesome parents like mine. Supportive, loving, and present. I sat there shaking and I cried from somewhere deep in my soul. I felt God’s anger that day…so strong.
I’d gotten to the point where I couldn’t process anymore. With everything I was feeling, how much was mine and how much was from everyone else. I prayed for God to take my tears. Big Mistake!! I didn’t realize how much this prayer would change my life. It left me tear free, but also void of any emotion. No happiness, no joy, no sadness, no fear….nothing. I was numb. The next week as I sat in church all I could think about was how much I missed my tears. “Ok Jesus, Whatever you have for me I’m saying yes. I’m ready to have my tears back”. Almost instantly I started crying. It felt so good, so familiar, so right…but I still needed confirmation.
