I woke up this morning thinking “God this is weird. Tomorrow I go back to the States…It’s weird.”
It’s been 11 months of ups and downs, crazy emotions, hard talks, awesome friendships, and amazing growth. After a year you would think I’d be ready to return home…Not so much :/
A few weeks ago I had a moment where fear took over an left me breathless and in turn quite angry. I’ve had some time to process the scared feelings and ask myself ‘what are you really afraid of’?
I love my family and I love my friends, but I’m not ready to go back to “real life”. Race life takes you out of the “norm” and drops you in a group of 40-60 crazy strangers. This whole thing started with a week at training camp, which isn’t really enough time to get to know people, their backgrounds or their beliefs, but it’s the moment you start to bond and build relationships.
Of course there are the inside jokes that come from working as a team, but there is also a kind of “pack mentality. I’ve been in a culture where I’m not allowed to be alone, I have to have a partner whenever I want to go any where…Store, restaurant, train station. We eat together, talk together, sleep together (Ok, next to each other…seriously?!?!), adventure together. We travel as a group of 40, taking over airports and bus stations. We are a tight knit community with a dynamic that no one else will truly understand. We share the same experiences, comfort each other during times of sadness, build each other up when we are struggling. For the last 11 months, these people have been the only consistent thing in my life. This is my family… and it’s scary to leave this comfort zone.
No matter how hard I try I won’t ever be able to fully explain it. Other racers will have an idea of the bond that’s created because they’ve gone through something similar, but each squad experiences something unique.
I realized that I’m scared because I don’t get to return to “my life”. My house is rented until March, that means I get to move into my parents life. I’ve never actually lived in FL. I have no clothes there, no friends there, no car, no heart connection at church, and no job. There is nothing that connects me to FL other than my parents.
It’s been 17 years since I lived at home. I left for shcool in 1998 and the longest I’ve been at home at any given time was a month for Christmas break. I remember the rules from highschool, but do they still apply? Will Mom and Dad be open to the way I live my life or will we butt heads? Is it ok to go back to being financially dependent on them? Will they understand that I don’t know what I’m supposed to do with my life? I’m 35 and I don’t have a clue.
I’ve been praying for months about my next steps. I was actually feeling a little neglected…God was bring up all kinds of opportunities for my teammates. Squadmates had job offers and were being accepted to other missions programs…and here I was, sitting in N-o-t-h-i-n-g! “God what am I missing? Why don’t you have anything for me?”
I was having dinner with my friend Kyle and we were talking about my disappointment over not knowing what’s next. I heard…”Go Home”…And there it was – my next step. Just go home. It felt more like a realization or remembering something. Nothing super spiritual, but I knew. So I wondered how long God had been saying it and I’d hadn’t been listening.
Anyway that’s where I’m at. Go home and wait for further instructions. I still don’t know what God has planned, but I know what I’m supposed to do for now. Not worrying has given me the freedom to be excited. I’m excited…
* To get to know my parents again
* To make new friends
* To get involved at church or volunteer
* That I have new immediate family and places to visit
* That I’m learning to hear God
* To continue to discover who I am in Him
* That I get to live in Joy daily
Moving forward isn’t always easy, but I know He will make it worth it. At this moment I am truly content in a place of not knowing…so, I think I’ll just sit here for a moment.
