So, I’ve been hesitant to post this cause I’m not really excited about my family reading it. After talking to some of my squad mates, I realized how real the struggle is and that there are way too many of us.
Shame, guilt, nausea…Jesus I’m soo sorry. I’m not worthy enough to even ask forgiveness…
I knew before I started that it wasn’t the best choice, not even close to being a good one. How did I get here God? Loneliness, stress, boredom. I’d been sucked in again (So basically I gave up and gave in). This is the last time I swear (Is it??? Is it really???). I’ve said this statement before really hoping it to be true. Ultimately, I knew that the next time I felt rejected or lonely or stressed porn and/or masturbation would be my fix.
Talking to different members of my squad I’m realizing just how big and how real porn addiction is. There are so many more women affected than I would have imagined. As I was struggling with my own addiction I listened to a sermon from my church’s lending library specifically regarding porn. I was really hoping it would tell me how to get rid of this thing that had taken over my life. What were my next steps now that I’d reached the point of hating the place I was in and hating myself for being there. Sadly, the sermon was disappointing for 2 reasons. 1) It was directed toward married couples 2) It was specifically for wives dealing with their husband’s porn addiction. Pastor John (PJ) say porn is a form of adultery and if your spouse is caught up in it you technically have the right to divorce them. Of course he suggests counseling first and a series of times where you ask your spouse to leave for 3, then 6 mo to get themselves together. Leading to divorce if nothing changes. I agree with all of this. Knowing where I was emotionally, spiritually, relationally, it all made sense. But…How do I divorce myself? How do I kick myself out? Dejected and angry, still without a solution/resolution I continued to struggle.
There’s a whole back story as to why porn was my “choice” addiction. Maybe one day I’ll go into it. Therapy helped my to discover many things about myself…finding the root of this addiction was one of them, but fear cured me of it. This may sound totally dumb to you and that’s ok, cause it still sounds silly to me…I had a dream one night that Jesus returned and the horn sounded. I was left behind for watching nakey people…Seriously?!?!? I didn’t even get to participate. That was it for me. I thought to myself, “I refuse to be left behind for this mess.”
I wish I could say the cold turkey approach worked for me. I stumbled a few times, but I was no longer planning my day around what I would watch, waking up in the morning debating if I had time to “squeeze” something in, or spending ridiculous amounts of time searching for the “right” movie/clip/story.
What could I have accomplished in the same amount of time with the same determination??? Maybe another language or degree. How would my life be different if I had spent that time with God?
This shit had to go and with a quickness. I became deliberate and focused in therapy. I found 10 seconds of bravery and told my small group about my secret so I could be accountable. I stopped using my computer and kindle for about 6 mo. If I wanted to read a book, I got it from the library. If I needed to research something online, I did it after work before I went home.
The closer we got to launch, the more Satan tried to tempt me. All of my core issues resurfaced…feelings of rejection, loneliness, not being good enough. I questioned myself worth daily as I attempted to clear all the crap out of my house so I could rent it. The urge for porn laid heavy on my heart. Thankfully I now know that only God can fill that hole. I continue to surround myself with encouraging people that will hold me accountable.
God, somewhere along the way I relaxed and left my thoughts unguarded letting Satan slip back in. So, in Jesus name I bind you Satan. You are NOT welcome here. God please take my struggle and use it for your glory.
Abba, I pray for all those who find themselves in a similar situation and ask that you show them how great your love for them is. Thank you for taking our old lives and giving us new ones. Thank you for being our healer, redeemer, and for forgiving us with no questions asked. Help us to see ourselves and each other as you see us…Amen
Some Stats to think about:
50% of all Christian men and 20% of all christian women say they are addicted to pornography.
13% of Women admit to accessing pornography at work.
70% of women keep their cyber activities secret.
17% of all women struggle with pornography addiction.
Women, far more than men, are likely to act out their behaviors in real life, such as having multiple partners, casual sex, or affairs.
1 of 3 visitors to all adult web sites are women.
9.4 million women access adult web sites each month.
Children’s Exposure to Pornography…
Average age of first Internet exposure to pornography 11 years old
Largest consumer of Internet pornography 12-17 age group
15-17 year olds having multiple hard-core exposures 80%
8-16 year olds having viewed porn online 90% (most while doing homework)
https://wsr.byu.edu/pornography
www.covenanteyes.com/pornstats
