When I was a child, I spoke as a child, I understood as a child, I thought as a child; but when I became a man, I put away childish things. I Corinthians 13:11
I’ve just recently realized I’ve been living my walk with the Lord as a child. Not taking the steps for growth. Now that I am taking those steps I am going through growing pains. I was so comfortable where I was (I thought) it didn’t take much work. I knew the Lord and I had a relationship. The sad thing is, I was just thinking that was good enough. Also thinking I’ve been raised with the Lord my whole life and have gone to church every Sunday. I knew what there was to know I was telling myself. Boy am I wrong!
My spiritual growth has been in neverland because it’s easier and painless to just stay where you are and not grow. That decision is very sad because I just shut myself off to growth and maturity in Christ which is honestly a never-ending path. How amazing though if we decide and push towards growth, there’s always room for more. I think I’ve always known this but somehow got stuck being content in neverland thinking there wasn’t anymore.
I’m learning the steps I need to take to be able to grow in my relationship with the Lord, slowly but I’m going to rejoice with each little step. These steps are causing growing pains, but I know shortly after the pain comes growth.
I think part of the reason I haven’t pressed into growth is because of the pain and discomfort it brings. And the hard things I’ll have to push through in vulnerability with the Lord and those around me.
One step I know I need to take is being honest with the Lord about my feelings about different areas in my life when I think He’s been unfair or forgotten about me and my loved ones and I was hurt and angry at Him. I’ve put up a wall against Him, thinking He doesn’t care anyway.
It’s weird because I believe He is a good Father who loves His children deeply. And I tell that to others when they are doubting His goodness in their lives. I just think to myself that my matters aren’t big enough and right it off. God desires to sit with me through it all though. He knows pain will come and He wants me to be honest and let him sit with me so that I can rest in His love. But I’ve been totally withholding from Him what He desires. Pushing Him away thinking He let these things happen and doesn’t care. So not only am I doubting His goodness I’m putting all the pressure on Him that He let these things even happen or keep happening. I can’t get past all this that is isolating me from a further deeper relationship with my heavenly Father until I am honest and allow His love to overflow these things right out of my heart.
The things that I let build this wall between me and the Lord are friendships that I’ve lost over and over, the loneliness I felt through that, my nephews passing away before my sister and her family even saw them, and the gruesomeness of their delivery that they had to witness, My Mom being in pain half her life, because of ruptured discs, limes disease, and arthritis, and that never being taken away from her, and all that was withheld from her because of it. These are thoughts I’ve wrestled with in doubts of God’s goodness in my life.
I can’t harbor these feelings against Him and draw near to Him. It’s like a boat desperately trying to dock but continuously pushing itself away from the dock. I need to give these feelings honestly to God so that I no longer am stuck in this same boat.
God doesn’t like that these things happened, and His desire is not for me to be hurting. When my heart breaks His heart breaks. He wants me to let Him sit with me and hold me through these things and the future hurts I’ll encounter. He wants me to be truly honest with Him how I’m feeling, He knows my feelings anyway, but I need to share them with Him so that they can be released, and I no longer carry them on my shoulders alone. I shouldn’t be afraid of Him being upset with me if I say Lord, Lord why have you forsaken me. Because He hasn’t forsaken me and unless I let Him into that with me, He can’t speak His truth into that lie I’m believing.
All of this has held me back from growth in the Lord because I lost my trust in His goodness and faithfulness.
I’m just now coming back from neverland and have decided to actually deal with the hurt and accept and believe that these aren’t intended for me to carry alone. I need to allow God to free me from these hurts and burdens so that I can take His hand and walk this journey knowing He loves me and doesn’t desire to see me hurting. But when hurt comes He wants to able to sit with me and be pushed away.
How deep the Fathers love for me, how vast beyond all measure! It’s time for me to truly believe this and live I that.
I’m not a super big fan of growing pains but I’m very excited for the growth that that the discomfort will bring.
