All these people earned a good reputation because of their faith,
yet none of them received all that God had promised.
For God had something better in mind for us,
so that they would not reach perfection without us.
-Hebrews 11:39-40
"What if I did call you to be like Mother Theresa?" I felt God saying to me… Never marrying, never having kids. Just living a life completely sold out for God, doing His will, serving those He loves; the less fortunate, etc.
This was not an easy question for me to answer. Getting married, and having a family has always been my greatest longing in life. It has dominated my prayer life at times, it has filled countless journal pages, it has been the source of many tears and disappointments, as well as hopeful expectations, it has brought me closer to God – it has drifted me away from God… and it has cultivated a deep fear in my heart that it may never happen.
Being single for the rest of my life freaks me out. I won't lie to you. I thought I'd be married with kids by now… not preparing to go on an 11 month missions trip. I had my life planned out, but God had other plans. Better plans than my own.
On Sunday the sermon was all about spending our lives pursuing things that can never truly satisfy us, and how sometimes God asks us to give up our dreams, in order to give us something better – His dreams for our lives. Hebrews 11:39 – Not even the early Christians received everything they asked for, but instead they received something much better – "because God had something better in mind for them."
I have to admit every time God asks me to surrender to Him my desire for marriage, my heart starts to panic a little. You mean, face the fact that I might be ALL ALONE for the rest of my life?! How can I go on living? The fear becomes so overwhelming and so irrational that I actually start to get angry at God…How can He expect me to do this?! It isn't fair!
About three years ago, I remember asking God to show me whether or not I would ever get married. I just really wanted a yes or no answer, so I could either move on or wait patiently (haha riiiight) Two reoccuring messages began to pop up. They were, "God is going to give you the desires of your heart" and "God is enough for you." Umm okay, so what's the answer God? He just loves speaking in riddles and I bet He thinks it's funny too!
Basically what I concluded from all of that was, God will give me the desires of my heart someday, but only when I learn to be content in Him alone. Ugh. People (myself included) seem to overlook the fact that Psalm 37:4 begins with delighting in God first, and after that "He will give you the desires of your heart."
Lately He's been revealing to me just how much of a stronghold this fear has had on me. I never realized until recently how much that fear has crippled me and affected the way I know God and live for Him. So many lies have sprouted up from that fear. Ultimately, when we get down to the heart of the matter, this struggle really isn't even about singleness or getting married. It's about trusting God, it's about learning to be loved by Him, to find my fulfillment in a relationship with Him. The real fear is not about being single for the rest of my life, the fear is really about thinking I am alone. Feeling unwanted. Feeling unloved. Being looked down upon as if something were wrong with me because I'm not with someone.
Truth is, as a believer in Christ, I am never alone. God is always with me, He will never leave me nor forsake me. He wants me in spite of all my flaws, and He pursues me when no one else will. By asking me to surrender this desire, God isn't necessarily saying no to marriage indefinitely, but simply, "I want you to be free from this bondage of fear, to be free to love me and be loved by me fully." And that is exceedingly better!
And even if He does call me to a lifetime of singleness and solely servitude…then that's okay. My life on this earth is but a breath anyways, and I'd rather live it knowing I made a difference for the kingdom of God. Because in the end, when this life is over, I will spend eternity with the ultimate Lover of my soul, and that is something worth longing for.
It shall come to pass in that day the LORD will give you rest from your sorrow,
and from your fear and the hard bondage in which you were made to serve – Isaiah 14:3
Application: Is there anything you feel like God is asking you to surrender over to Him? How can I be praying for you in that?
