Pretty much ever since I applied for the world race I have had these reoccuring thoughts like, "What the heck am I doing?" "This is crazy" "Am I really going to do this?" "Is this God's plan for me? To give up everything I know for 11 months?!"
It will be the craziest, most radical thing I've ever done in my life. So why do it? What lead me to make this decision?
I believe God has been preparing me for this years ago, probably even before I became a christian. I knew I wanted to live for God and for others and I wanted my life on this earth to mean something…to make a difference. But how or through what means, I had no idea. I felt the nudge for missions multiple times but sort of just "brushed it aside" thinking, there's no way I could ever do that… no way God will ever want me to be a missionary or do missions work. Though at times I would become passionate about the idea of living abroad, it would always quickly fade away… mostly because of excuses and fear… and not to mention what others would think of me.
"Why would you give up your comfortable American life?" So I dismissed the idea again and again.
God, however, was doing His own work within me. Soon I graduated college, endless possibilities awaited me. Still no direction, I took the first job offer I got, working as a police dispatcher. It was a decent paying job, exciting even. But I soon learned just how stressful the job was going to be. The hours were hard (working nights was not easy despite the fact I'm a night owl.) The job would soon take it's toll on me. The stress really brought out a lot of ugliness in me that I didn't know was there. I started drifting a bit from God… ashamed of the way I dealt with my stress, knowing it was not "Christ-like." I started growing depressed again…a burden I hadn't struggled with since before I became a christian.
I have no doubt God was using this job (along with other circumstances here and there) to purify me, purging out all the ugly sin and past hurts I had never truly dealt with. I was growing bitter though, cynical, and depressed because I could not be this PERFECT little happy christian that I thought I was supposed to be. I kept messing up, forgetting it is not by my might but HIS… A lot of the old lies I internalized growing up were rearing their ugly heads. "You are stupid." "God doesn't love you." "You are weak." "God has abandoned you. He's done with you."
I often thought about giving up being a christian, I obviously was a disappointment to God… I felt like I didn't measure up to my other christian friends who appeared to have it all together. I became jealous and defensive. I was at my wits end… I was tired physically, emotionally, and spiritually.
I kept asking God "what do You want me to do with my life? I'm not happy."
I honestly thought I would've been married at my age… with maybe a kid or two. But since that hadn't happened yet I felt even more confused about what God's plan was for my life. I trusted in a fairytale, instead of trusting in God's perfect timing.
So here I was completely disatisfied with life, feeling purposeless and asking God what He wanted for my life. This is when the whole missions thing came up again. After talking with a good friend from church about what was going on in my life, she strongly encouraged me to pursue missions and ignore it no longer. It did seem that everything in my life up to now was pointing me towards missions. I love traveling, I have a strong appreciaton for other cultures, my degree was in COMMUNICATION STUDIES/FRENCH… and not to mention this nagging feeling that I was wasting my life and that God wanted me to do something more with it. So to me it made perfect sense to apply for the World Race.
Of course I've had my doubts… "God I'm not the holiest christian around…why would You choose me to do this? Am I just mistaken…are You really leading me to go?"
And I just have to smile because the last several days I've just been getting confirmation after confirmation that God is saying "YES!" My failures and mistakes and even lack of faith at times have not disqualified me from being greatly used by Him, from being a part of His overall plan. And that just makes me want to smile.
His plans for me are huge… and I don't deserve any of it. But that's the beauty of God's grace, He blesses us with adventures we never even dreamed of.
There is surely a future hope for you,
and your hope will not be cut off.
~Proverbs 23:18~
For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the LORD,
“plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.
Then you will call on me and come and pray to me, and I will listen to you.
You will seek me and find me when you seek me with all your heart.
~Jeremiah 29:11-13~
