It has nothing to do with me.
Imperfect and confused but here and willing.
I wrote this the other day and this is exactly what this race has felt like so far. I have done nothing to deem myself worthy enough to do the things I’m doing and see the things I’m seeing. I am FAR from perfect and a lot of the time- I’m relying solely on God to get me through these situations (which is kind of the point). This experience is not normal. It is not readily available to every human being. It is a luxury. It is a privilege and an honor. I’m baffled everyday I wake up here because honestly, what the heck ? Me ? He wanted all this for me ? He thought of me for this team ? When He made this exquisite mountain view He wanted me to see it ? He went before me and lined up miraculous encounters to get me here ? He wants to use me REGARDLESS of every millisecond of my life before this ? His mercy astounds me. Had I been Him, I’d probably have crossed my name off a long time ago.
The race sounds so beautiful for anyone else. Had anyone else came and told me they were going on the race I would have been thrilled for them. I’d see the value in them doing this. But when I think about myself doing it, I naturally think I have nothing to offer. I assume nobody sees the value in me being here because I can’t. Or couldn’t. But why not me ? After all, it has nothing to do with me- my prerequisites, resume, history, genealogy, or whatever else. God could use a rock to reveal Himself, surely He can and surely He chooses to use imperfect people. That’s what makes it such a God thing- because otherwise it wouldn’t make a lick of sense. Otherwise, it’d be impossible and so uncharacteristic, me being here. In the words of Kari Jobe- what love is this? I haven’t earned these stories He’s giving me. I haven’t done well enough to receive these strangers love. I can’t live up to this. I can’t repay this. I can’t afford it. When is God going to figure out that I don’t deserve this? It’s comical to think you’ve ever even thought of doing a thing thats been hidden from God. I know that. I know that He’s seen it all. He’s felt my rejection and turning away. And yet… I’m here. Completely confused. As sovereign, almighty, and powerful as God is- He chooses me ? I feel like the absolute worst dodgeball player getting picked first draft. I accept but not without knowing how crazy it is. I possess virtually nothing I’d look for in an international evangelist, teacher, church planter, prayer warrior, healer, pastor, or even construction manager.
I was sitting with a friend the other day processing all my inadequacies and he told me about a book. Particularly one part of the book that’s gist was “when entering relationships with anyone, assume you have something to offer them”. What a nice thought but what does that look like ? Well, for me in this time of life it means walking in confidence and authority into any and all of these situations because I posses the only thing that actually matters- the Holy Spirit. I become all things for the sake of the gospel. I know how short I come in all things but I’m paired with the overcomer. God is with her- how can she fail? I will no longer undermine me being here because it has nothing to do with me- I get to be the rock that God wants to use in this time and space. Wow. I am imperfect, confused as heck but I am here. And I am willing.
