It’s hard. It’s hard knowing it just a few weeks.. it starts. It’s hard using every ounce of the time remaining thinking about fundraising. I feel like that’s something I’ll regret. It’s hard having faith all the time. I have no reason not to. He has provided everything I’ve needed before but time has been an enemy of mine for as long as I can remember. It makes me anxious. The thought of wasting time makes me nauseous. And I always look back thinking “I should’ve done something different”. This time of year is always a struggle. Yes. I love Christmas and I get excited but as I see the new year calendar approaching, I actually get depressed… painfully depressed. But this year is different. People keep asking me “aren’t you afraid to go?” Well no, I’m afraid to stay. I keep telling people that not completely sure why or what I mean. But I do now. I have spent twenty years of Christmas and New Years about me and it’s never left me feeling anything but half empty. I’m terrified of not going. I’m terrified of living this life solely for myself again. I’m terrified of looking out, seeing Jesus on the water and choosing to stay in the boat because it’s safe. I’m terrified of missing the walking on the water.
At training camp, one of the speakers said that he actually loves millennials because they’re not going to have “empty faith”. They’re not just going to believe something because they’re told to. They want to feel it. I want to feel it. Already, since I said yes, I have felt God more than ever. But I’m terrified because He told me to go and I can’t help but have some doubts. People keep asking me about “back up plans” and I don’t have one. I know I don’t need one. But old habits die hard. They ask and instantly my mind starts turning.. going into survival mode.. thinking “what am I going to do if…..”.
If you don’t get to go….
If you can’t raise the money…
But God didn’t bring me this far to leave me here. I know that. My prayer is that I don’t come off as ungrateful. I am so grateful for everything but I also don’t want this to come off as easy. It’s not all rainbows and petting elephants. This is living like Jesus. Yes following Jesus is the best decision you could ever make but also one of the most difficult. It would be easier to sit back. It would be easier to think about what I want for Christmas and new shoes. It would be easier to not go out asking people for money. It’d be easier if I didn’t feel like I’m constantly asking for donations over and over again. Jesus called us into being uncomfortable. Jesus called us to wear our hearts on our sleeves. To ask and His name and we’ll receive. To turn the world upside down. To stand out, stand apart and point to Him. You can’t unhear the Good News. You can’t unknow Him. You can’t see the miracles and move on.. falling back into your routines and normal life. You have to keep asking. You have to keep knocking. Most World Racers.. they’re happy. They’re joyful. It’s worth it. But it’s not easy.
