As i rose up from the carpeted floor i broke my hour of solitude and time with the lord. I was at peace. I exited the chapel almost floating down the faded yellow tile hallways, catacombs throughout a silent home for lost sinners. I heard “How Great Thou Art” sung, unfiltered. There was No musical instruments, just three angels sat on the side of the stained class covered stage, candles flickering beside their heads. The holy spirit flowing fervently through the every breath of every woman sitting. Misfit souls scattered throughout the large chapel, thirty women in total surrender to our lord. Silence feel over the room, the only semblance of noise was the sirens outside and the sniffling of noises from those who had been forgiven. A single women with dark red toned hair stands up, arms held high, standing in complete and total surrender. After a small breath, breaks the silence “Lord you are good, good, so good.”
I was home.
Day after day i image heaven and the peace I will feel there. Everyday I walk through campus, listen to music, and analyze those around me. Gods beauty is as present in the different shoes on peoples feet as much as the sunset at the end of a day. I work on my bitter heart. I work on thanking God for giving me the crosses I bare. I work on feeling whole again. Healing is a long process. Feeling fulfilled feels unattainable sometimes especially in the midst of my crazy life full of so much uncertainty. I constantly wonder when I can go home and be with my Abba. I know it may be a great deal of time till that happens. I feel as if God is still waiting for me to “get” it and things will make since, but I know I may never reach that point. I feel as though I am drowning sometimes. The world these days is overwhelming and scary. I forget to pray.
I need to pray.
There is a little girl with brown hair who talks about the stars, dances like no one is watching, and loves without boundaries. She is six. She is wise. She contextulizes scripture. She loves me for me. She is a safe place. Some nights we fall asleep without saying a thing. we sit on the kitchen floor, Often times finding ourselves getting lost in the evening over an apple, almond butter, Dottie Grace giggles, and ballerina twirls. we lay in the living room, arms constantly open wide, she permeates unconditional joy, she is the epitome of let the little children lead them. I want to learn to love Jesus like the little children do. I want to learn to love Jesus like, Lindley Belle.
I am learning to surrender.
