Despite the countless blogs of previous racers I had read leading up to coming on the World Race, I still entered with a preconceived expectation that the enemy would not be able to touch me this year.
I was surrounded by an army of brothers and sisters in Christ, my squad, Gap X. Men & women who wear the armor of God and are scripturally rooted, seeking truth and wisdom directly from the One who holds those titles.
Under a leadership that daily chooses to surrender to God and who are led by the Holy Spirit. Encouragers who use scripture to point us to Christ and allow us to express our emotions, but not let us become controlled by them and dictate the situation.
Barricaded by the Protector, I was not expecting that Satan would find his way in. When month two came around, the enemy struck hard and the barricades were destroyed. I found myself in a desolate valley.
The past month, I would question God where he was. I’d look up to the sky and speak to God in a harsh tone because I failed to remember that he isn’t limited to heaven.
I asked the Father where he was when I was stressed out over getting another task when I wasn’t finished with the previous one. I questioned God when our squad split up into two locations and I lost half of the people I had grown to love, a few of them being some of my best friends. I felt loneliness in the house since the first time we touched down in Romania. The house was quieter and sometimes I’d walk several rooms before finding a single person, sounds like an introvert’s dream, but I missed the noise of people chatting and laughing throughout the house as I spent time by myself. Instead of feeling stillness, I felt the weight of emptiness.
I asked the Lord where he was when I threw up in a toilet one night after I shared my testimony in front of my team because my anxiety was raging harder than it has in over two years. I went into a spiral of anxiety and the following Monday, our sabbath, I spent 17 hours sleeping in my bed.
Where are you God?
I probably asked that question at least twenty times within the span of me sharing my testimony and the following Monday. This was the declaration of what God has done in my life, but my mind was thinking, “You’re talking about how God delivered you from the intense anxiety you struggled with and yet here you sit, having an anxiety attack. God didn’t truly deliver you.”
Comparison was stealing my joy. From my viewpoint, my squad mates around me seemed to be on the mountaintop. They were encountering God in new ways, hearing from Him about the future, and having incredible experiences during ministry. God was continuing to deliver them from their past. They were making big steps in their walk with God, and I was having trouble seeing growth within myself. I spent my time searching for affirmation that I was growing through others rather than listening to God because I thought He wasn’t around.
One day my squad mentor, Kate, sent me an email that talked about some of the growth she’s seen take place in my life over the course of my time in Romania. I thanked her for her kind words, but I was still doubting my progress. The devil started feeding me lies that she was sending encouragement because she knew I was struggling. I continued to doubt my progress because it still seemed small to me since I was comparing it to the growth I’ve seen in others.
“Baby steps, my child. To you it may be nothing, but you make Daddy proud. Your weakness is all in my strength. I hear your questions and I’m closer than you think.” – Real Thing by Maverick City
The lyrics above hit me like a ton of bricks one morning during daily devotionals. God’s been with me in this valley. He’s been listening to my shouts of anger and frustration, yet He’s met me with grace. The growth God has taken me through seems so insignificant to me, but it makes Him proud. Yes, they are baby steps in the eyes of most people, but God’s shown me that these are strides from where I used to be. He’s growing me in boldness to be vulnerable and he’s continuing to take me further. Anxiety and comparison are weaknesses of mine, but the Father provides peace in the darkness.
God showed me how He was closer than I thought he was in the valley. When I started to look for Him, I found him in the people around me. Different faces of God that reflected characteristics of the Father’s heart that I needed during those moments.
Through the words of my squad mate, Paige, I noticed the Comforter speaking to me. Telling me that I was doing a great job with the work given to me and even if I felt it wasn’t good enough, He was going to use it to bring the Kingdom light to Romania. Speaking peace over the situation when I would get stressed. The gentleness of the Lord.
In the eyes of Sumer and Kylah, I saw God as a friend. Laughter intertwined with joy and made the house feel a bit less lonely and my heart feel less empty. Slow days with simple moments, but sweet memories. The kindness of the Father.
In the voice of my squad leader, Olivia, I found Truth. Accountability and encouragement rooted in scriptural truth to call me higher. Out of love and not meant to condemn me, but let Christ convict me so that I will recognize what parts of my heart aren’t reflecting the Father’s heart. The wisdom of the King.
Through the intentionality of my team mate, Kate, I noticed the Lamb of God. Pure intentions to care for me when I was anxious. Simple moments to bring peace. A friend who seeks to understand. The calmness of the Creator.
These are a fraction of the faces of Jesus that were with me in this valley. They are the way I saw Christ during this time.
Heaven is all around us — sprouts of green coming through the cracks of a deserted valley.
