Training camp.
Wow.
I did that. That happened.
I slept in a tent for 10 days.
I laughed.
I cried.
I sang.
I screamed.
I was silent.
I felt alive.
I felt alone.
I felt on fire.
I ate weird food.
I made 30 something new best friends.
Training camp was everything I never knew I needed or wanted. It was hard but exhilarating and I encountered Jesus through people and circumstances I never have before.
I will never forget my last night of camp we had squad wars (WOO!) and after we had baptisms and then worship. Allllll week we had worshipped and praised and prayed and Sabbathed and more just all centered around Jesus. All 10 days leading up to the last night at camp I had gone through a plethora of emotions from the highest joys to on occasion, a very low low. Comparing myself in the worst ways to others.
There’s the usual comparisons – how we look and act compared to others. Then there are the deeper comparisons and during Training camp my comparison was centered around worship. It wasn’t every time and it wasn’t the duration of worship, but it happened several times where I’d start off in worship with Jesus. Just me and Him. Connected. Together. My heart in a beautiful posture of surrender. Then it was as if the enemy would just SWOOP in and take over my thoughts causing a disconnect and a numbness to wash over my inside and out. I would start stressing over if I was as connected to Jesus during the song as the other people in the room or if I was kneeling at a good time or if I should be lifting 1 hand or two. Was I singing too loudly? Was I worshipping too intensely? Was I not worshipping intensely enough? Were people thinking I was genuine with my worship? “Oh shut up Morgan they’re not watching you they’re heart and eyes are focused on JESUS you dummy..stop and snap out of it. This isn’t about you. GOSH you can be so vain sometimes..” my mind would tell me. “Are you even hearing Jesus right now? Is He even connected with you right now, or are you just singing to the ceiling?”
Some times of worship would be beautiful and full of surrender and oneness with Jesus. Others were harder and it felt like the enemy, as stated above, was trying his best to cut me off from Abba. It was BEYOND frustrating to say the least, BUT we persevered and I did what I could in those moments to keep my gaze on Jesus and Jesus only.
However, the last night of camp was a bit different. The enemy was working overtime that night. I had been struggling for a few days leading up to the final night of camp on hearing Jesus’ voice. Hearing what He wanted to tell me. ”was that Jesus or me?“ “other teams or people hear Him so clearly but I’m not so sure I do.. am I less than them because of that?” The day itself was fun and full of laughing and games and sessions where we learned a TON. I was happy, smiling big, using my loud voice to coral human beings, loving on my squad who QUICKLY became my family and going for the gold in squad wars. We went in for worship and I immediately felt that numbness creep in. I felt that disconnect I always dreaded feeling and quickly began to sink deeper into the notion that Jesus had somehow forgotten about me. Now.. I’m no idiot.. I know what you might be thinking..”Morgan you’re a Jesus believer.. how can you think He’s forgotten about you..” true.. true.. I knew in my HEAD that feeling that way was silly and unreal, but in my heart it became all to real all too quickly.
Sweet Erica (one of our worship leaders) started singing and I stood still, surrounded my by squad just taking in the words and trying my best to block out and break down the walls the enemy was building in my mind to keep the connection from Jesus cut off. I knew I needed to sing so I opened my mouth to sing and let the words fall out, but as I continued.. the enemy kept building faster and faster, higher and higher, thicker and thicker walls. I finally got on my knees which then lead to me sitting down in the middle of a room FULL of people shouting praises to Abba, singing and smiling and crying all worshipping our AMAZING God.
As I sat on the concrete, eyes closed, not singing any longer and feeling so small, I began to have an internal conversation with Jesus. “Jesus please speak to me. Talk to me. Anything. Show me Youre there. Show me You haven’t forgotten me. Let me know I’m not alone. Bring someone by me, Father. A hand on my shoulder, a prayer over me.. anything to tangibly show me you’ve not forgotten me..please”. Nothing. Again I pleaded for some tangible ”sign” that I wasnt alone and that He had not left or forgotten me. Still nothing. It had been a few songs now and i knew they would most likely only sing 1 or 2 more so I knew time was wrapping up. I came to terms with the fact that Jesus was there “or something” and I was just being stupid “or something” half heartedly believing that and honestly? Feeling disappointed in Jesus.. as hard as that is to admit. I had all these pent up emotions but at that point I was just disconnected from feeling them.
All of a a sudden I felt a hand on my shoulder and before I could process this answer to prayer of just simply a hand on my shoulder as a tangible reminder, I looked to see the smiling face of my squad leader, Ashley, looking at me. She told me she had noticed me sitting for a while and wanted to come and tell me that Jesus had placed words on her heart for me specifically. She told me “God wants you to know that you’re the apple of His eye“. I’m sorry.. what? Did you hear her right Morgs? Did that really just happen?? At that moment I tried to hold it in but everything in me broke and I quickly became a ball of tears held together by Jesus through Ashley.
Stop.
Go re-read that paragraph.
Then come back and tell me Jesus isn’t real or that He doesn’t love us more than we could EVER IMAGINE..
YALL..this is it right here. THIS IS IT. He is so crazy mad in love with us. We are His KIDS. Later on as I processed that moment and what Ashley told me as a vessel of Jesus, I got this image in my mind of a little girl pouting and whining “do you even care? Do you even love me? Do you even see me?“ the little girl was crying and flailing her arms just whining away. Then I saw Jesus. Calmly looking at her, arms crossed lovingly, head tilted slightly to one side with a soft smile on His face as He began to speak to the little girl “baby girl.. do you not see me? Standing here with you? Right in front of you? I haven’t gone anywhere babe. I’m right here. Of course you’re not alone. Of COURSE I haven’t forgotten you. I created you! You are my MASTERPIECE. My most cherished. My most precious. My daughter. Oh baby girl… of COURSE you’re not forgotten.. but if a tangible reminder is really what you need right now, then a tangible reminder you will receive, my darling, my Beloved.”
Yall. He’s not going anywhere. Not even in the darkest of places. You were BORN to be LOVED.
