Apparently I haven’t updated my blog as often as I was imagining in my head that I had! WOW SORRY EVERYONE! Here is a blog post I wrote a week or so into Indonesia – but as I re-read what I wrote, I definitely don’t believe it’s a coincidence that I’ve been struggling with these same feelings the past few days. Thanks Jesus for the reminder…
I’m sitting here on the edge of the compound where were staying. It’s about 3 in the afternoon. My skin is sticky from sweat mixed with bug spray, my legs are propped up on a plastic chair and I’m comfortable for the most part. Roosters are crowing (I wonder if they know it’s not morning anymore..) chickens are clucking and the Bali breeze is the most amazing gift when Jesus allows it to slowly sweep its way through our little home for the month. Team mates are washing clothes, people are riding by on motorbikes, kids are here early and are laughing and running through the grass and a very light drizzle has begun to fall.
Yet, as I sit here watching everything around me, all the happy giggles and beautiful smiles, the dancing and playing, a travesty has occurred – a thief has come to silently and slowly steal my joy, a thief I am, unfortunately, all too familiar with. Teddy Roosevelt once said, “comparison is the thief of joy” and I would have gladly shook his hand in agreement with that. It’s maddening honestly – to have eyes and ears that can see and hear all the joy happening around you and yet feel stuck, almost in a state of paralysis, that you can’t move past the inward feeling of comparing yourself to everyone else around you. “She’s taking this free time to dive into her Bible. Wow. Maybe I should be doing that…” “She looks so happy and energetic playing with the kids today, why don’t I feel that happy? Why would I rather take a nap? Is something wrong with me?” “She is so beautiful, even in same T-shirt as yesterday and unwashed hair.. I wish I looked like her” “She has such a routine of taking care of herself even in such a different/strange/new way of living this month..I’m just a mess” “They get along so well, but I don’t feel that connection with them.. is something wrong with me?” “Shes been able to remember every single name of every man woman and child we’ve met this week.. Ive seen the same girl every day and can’t remember even just her name” – just some of the many thoughts I’ve had walking around in my brain today.
Slowly but surely my joy has dissipated as the day has progressed. “Give yourself some grace, Morgan, you’ve been through a lot the past week and a half with basically moving your life across the world and all”… true.. but this happens to me at home too so unfortunately I cant just blame it on my current life situation or season of life – even if that would make me feel better haha. Comparison is the number one thief of my joy. The only solution I’ve found to remedy the situation is finding my true identity in Jesus alone. Not in my appearance or my style or my body image. One might say, “well OBVIOUSLY that’s the answer Morgan..silly girl..” but as easy as it is to understand that and even type that out, it doesn’t take away from the difficulty of actually living it.
To me, living that out means not caring what anyone else thinks, yes, but also not really caring what I, myself, think. If I care what I, as a human being, thinks of myself.. I will VERY quickly be disappointed because I’m HUMAN. I am flesh and blood. It’s solely about Jesus. I’ve recently started asking Jesus as daily as I can remember to allow me to see myself through His eyes only. When He gifts me with those eyes, wow. I am honestly astonished! He sees me in a way that I couldn’t have seen myself on my own. He sees me as a beautiful daughter with an inward beauty that outshines the outward beauty. He sees me as HIS and I will continue to pray that what He sees is all that matters to me.
Jesus, continue to give me eyes that see me as You see me. Jesus, allow me to be present where I am and not to allow comparison to come between me and my team, me and myself or even me and You. Abba, in Jesus name, deliver me from the enemy of comparison and allow me to live a life focused on You and what You have for me in this season, in this month, in this week and in this day. Comparison will not continue to steal my joy in the name of Jesus. AMEN
