I seem to have run out of words this year. I feel silent these days, not to say that I am actually silent, ask anyone on my team, they will tell you that I surely am not, but I feel silent to all of the things that are important. This year feels weightier than my words and its taken me a long time to really find perspective.
This year has been a hard one. It has been unexpectedly challenging, and I have felt myself withdraw and come up short again and again. I don’t know if the person I was a year ago, would be able to recognize the person I am today. The person I am today feels so paralyzed by life, and the person I was a year ago felt bolder and free.
I don’t think it’s just me though, the whole world feels different these days. Heavier, sadder, and incredibly tense. I mean, we are living in the midst of a global pandemic, political uncertainty, and navigating racial tensions that have finally bubbled over.
The word that comes to mind when I think about all these things is ‘fractured’, the world feels broken, and I feel broken too.
He heals the brokenhearted
and binds up their wounds.
Psalms 147:3
This has been an interesting season for me. It has felt a lot like a down hill roller coaster, full of twists and turns, and stomach drops. My day to day life feels full of chaos and uncertainty, from team conflicts, to long days and difficult ministries. I feel like I’m in a washing machine on the spin cycle and I know that I can’t be the only one that feels that way.
It’s easy to sit in times like these and feel distant from the Lord. It might even be easy to view God like He is some kind of cosmic jerk in the sky who is either laughing at our pain or turning a blind eye to it. And I’ll admit, I have felt distant from the Lord at times during this season, but the Lord has also felt incredible close too, and has used this time to teach me so many valuable and hard lessons.
“As for you, you meant evil against me, but God meant it for good…”
Genesis 50:20a
I have gotten to stare into the ugliest parts of myself this year- and it’s sucked. I have discovered new levels of pride, selfishness, envy, and callousness that I never knew existed within myself. I’ve learned so much about my true motivations and fears, and honestly they don’t make me look great.
It’s funny that so many people, myself being one of them, prayed and believed that this year would be a year of vision,’20/20’ vision. From what I’ve seen on social media, it seems like people feel that this year has fallen short of those prayers and expectations. Maybe this year turned out different than we all hoped for or expected, but I think that we are actually living out the ’20/20 vision’ these days.
The thing about gaining vision and perspective is that you’re able to see all of things that would usually get overlooked or things that we try to ignore. I think about it like this: for those of you who are old enough to remember when the TV switched over from Standard Definition to High Definition, do you remember how shocking and crazy it was to see the difference between the two, and how hard it was to watch Standard Definition after seeing how much better High Definition was?
When you’re looking at something with 20/20 vision, you aren’t just going to see the good things better and more clearly, you’re also going to see the depths of all the things that are bad too. The drawback to having better vision is that you can’t ignore the ugly bits of life anymore. For many of us, even if we haven’t realized it or been able to put words to what has been happening, 2020 has been the year that we’ve had to take off our rose-colored glasses and stare at things straight on.
“But, as it is written, “What no eye has seen, nor ear heard, nor the heart of man imagined, what God has prepared for those who love him”—“ 1 Corinthians 2:9
Many people believe, and some states are even seeing a rise in divorce rates following the quarantine- we can no longer ignore the problems that exist within our families.
With recent events in the news, and the public outcry surrounding the murder of several African American Citizens- we can no longer ignore the racial tensions and injustice in the country. Even now as I write this, as the dust began to settle from one incident, another man has been shot and things seem to be starting all over again.
During the past few months the issue of human trafficking in America has been getting more public attention- we can no longer ignore the undercurrent of sexual depravity that has seeped into our culture.
Because many of the distractions that we turn to in our every day lives like sports, new movies, and other public gatherings have been suspended- it’s becoming harder to distract ourselves. People are having to sit with their thoughts more.
There are so many aspects of life, and our culture that kinda suck, and I think we’re all a little guilty on just going on with the status quo. I believe that this is a season in which the Lord does want to heal those things, actually change some fundamental aspects of our everyday life and culture for the better.
News flash: Healing HURTS. It’s uncomfortable. Sometimes you have to re-break the bone, scrape out the scar tissue, and poke at the part that hurts the most to help it. Right now we are all going through some open heart surgery wide awake, and I don’t have a lot of words to talk about what that feels like, or what I’m learning. Sometimes it’s all I can do to hold my breath and keep from flinching.
“Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest.” Matthew 11:28
This year I am staring into the abyss of my failures- and I am learning that I can’t find my identity in my achievements anymore.
This year I am faced with what feels like never ending conflict with my team and the people that I encounter. It feels like no matter how hard I try, there will never be peace- and I am learning that I can’t find my value in other people’s opinions of me.
This year I have faced change after change and what has felt like roadblock after roadblock- I am realizing that I desire control, and learning that I don’t have as much as I thought I did.
This year I have been rebuked and humbled more times that I can count- I am learning that in every situation I must always first look at myself and the role I play in ever situation, instead of looking to blame others.
I’m learning my limits, and my triggers, and more and more my desperate need for the grace that God gives. This has been a year of my undoing, a year of my unlearning.
“Forget the former things; do not dwell on the past. See, I am doing a new thing! Now it springs up; do you not perceive it? I am making a way in the wilderness and streams in the wasteland.” Isaiah 43:18-19
I am sorry that it has taken me so long to form coherent sentences and that it has taken me even longer to share them with you all. I’m sorry that I don’t have something more pleasant to share. This has been a season of suffering and I am learning what it means to rejoice and worship through the pain. In the midst of all this chaos, I know that I am standing on a firm foundation. God, my God, never changes. He is a Father that gives good gifts and He is turning these things for His good and His glory.
A few months ago I hit one of the lowest points that I ever have in my life. During that time I remember telling those around me that I had no hope left and that all I had was the Lord. I said in that moment I just had one fingertip on the hem of His robe. I felt dirty, ashamed, broken, and like I was a failure, but that one fingertip was enough. Even the smallest piece of the Lord is enough. If you feel overwhelmed by the world right now, its ok, allow this to be a time that draws you back to the Father. Cry out to Him and ask Him to be your peace.
Jesus loves you, right where you are, right as you are.
Much Love,
Morgan
I know this blog didn’t actually update anyone on what I have been up to, so here is a short list of all of the good things that have been happening in the last 3ish months:
- I got fully funded! Thank you to everyone who has supported my ministry and who as encouraged and prayed for me. You are invaluable.
- Two more World Race America teams were launched into the states and are reaching even more people in Jesus’ name!
- Dozens of people have come to know the Lord. Our team saw 7 salvations in just one night during a homeless outreach in New York.
- We are all healthy and continue to be Covid free!
- My family got to visit and do ministry with my team for a long weekend. It was so encouraging to me and a refresher to my soul.
Please continue to be praying for me and my team. Ministry in America is heavy and its hard, especially in these wild times.
Much Love part 2,
Morgan
As always, I invite you to make my journey, your journey. Here are four simple ways:
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