I’m getting pretty tired of the pattern that is forming wherein I tell you that I didn’t want something that God wanted for me, so I fought Him every step of the way, only to realize that He only wanted what was best for me.
But here we are:
I didn’t want to be at this ministry. I wanted adventure and a ministry that I thought was exciting and different: prison ministry in Albania. (For those who are confused: While Albania was not on my original route, one team from my squad had the opportunity to go and serve with a ministry there that needed and requested some help. We were given the opportunity to pray about it and give input into which ministry we would like before we were given our assignments.)
I think the more and more I write about the Race, and all of the ways that it depart from what I expected it to be, the more and more God is revealing to me just how much I don’t go to God first with my wants and desires. I came on the Race because I wanted to serve the Kingdom around the world and to grow closer to the Lord, but so far, at every turn I’ve put my needs, my opinions, and my wants ahead of God’s (very uncool of me, I know).
God keeps reminding me of something that I learned a few months back before I came on the Race: The Bible says (in Psalm 37, for those who care) that when we delight in God whole-heartedly, He will give us the desires of our hearts. There are two ways to read this:
God will place His desires in our hearts and make them our desires
Or
God will give us what our ‘heart’ (flesh) desires.
More often than I thought, I find myself expecting God to give me what I want, and I even trick myself into pretending that it’s His will and His desire for me, not just my own.
New flash: God doesn’t need to get our OK before He does what He wants. His plan for our lives are always bigger and better than our own, and His plans always bring about His glory- ours don’t.
Ministry last month stretched me in so many ways. It was uncomfortable and hard and I learned so much and I’m thankful for the time that I had there. Ministry in Albania would have been just as hard and uncomfortable and stretching too. That’s not a bad thing, but also it would have been really hard, tiring, and maybe even a little disheartening, to have two months in a row where the ministry that was so hard, and out of my comfort-zone and pushed me so much. I can’t serve God and His purposes the way I’ve been created to if I’m striving and pushing myself beyond what God wants for me in an effort to please Him. That’s unsustainable and shows a lack of trust on any part. Honestly, I was pretty drained at the end of my time in Romania- God knew this.
My desire to serve other and the Kingdom should not overshadow God’s command to steward myself well. Stewarding ourselves well includes resting and just being with Him, focusing on my relationship with Him and sitting at His feet. Not just doing things for Him and in His name (How quick are we to forget that practicing Sabbath is one of the 10 commandments? Jesus didn’t come to abolish the Law but to fulfill it. How many of us are living in open rebellion of this commandment? I know I have). 1 Peter says “If anyone speaks, they should do so as one who speaks the very words of God. If anyone serves, they should do so with the strength God provides, so that in all things God may be praised through Jesus Christ…” I haven’t been living in the strength that God provides because I haven’t been living in the rest He provides.
So, He gave me Dobromirka, Bulgaria instead of Albania. And He gave me a hiding place and a place of rest instead of the adventure and excitement that I was chasing- not because adventure and new, exciting things are bad, but because God loves me enough to tell me no, and to give me what I need instead of what I want.
This month my team is working with Mission Possible, serving in their conference center to help host different conferences, namely, Mission Possible’s bi-annual women’s conference (it was so amazing). The program focuses on restoration for them woman, and not all who attend are even Christian. At the end of the conference, my team and I were able to sit in as the women shared their testimonies- all I can say is wow. Some were orphans, other widowed, still more victims of abuse, yet God was working in all of their lives to bring peace and joy and contentment in Him regardless of circumstance. This ministry has ministered as much to me as it has to the women it serves. God knew that as I was striving for the next big thing, I was neglecting the reason why. I needed to get my heart set on Him before trying to accomplish anything for Him or with Him- it would be like trying to choreograph a dance to as song before hearing the music, it just doesn’t work. Before He wants me to serve Him, and before He wants to take me on adventures, He just wants me.
At this ministry, I’ve been able to think through and process so much of what has happened over the last few months, and learn from it. I’ve been able to slow myself down and focus on intimacy with Him, and He has blessed this time.
I’ve gotten to sit at His feet, to learn from Him, and be loved by Him. I’ve learned new disciplines this month and God has showed me that there are a lot of things that I haven’t laid at His feet yet. I’m learning that there are things that I love that don’t draw me closer to God and there are a lot of things that I do that distract me from His voice, and I’m learning what it means to let those things go. Before I seek anything else, I want to seek Him and it’s been a time of learning what it actually looks like to do that.
I’m thankful for a God who loves me enough to tell me no, and who also loves me enough to show me why. This month has been a blessing- I see that now, and I can’t imagine being anywhere else for Ministry. I’m excited to keep pushing into intimacy with God, because I know that there is always so much more to dive into, knowing that when the time comes, we will get to take on those exciting adventures together.
Much Love,
Morgan
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